BRIAN MURPHY: Greetings, goblins and ghouls — it’s your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy. On behalf of the party, I wanted to thank you. We are overwhelmed with the response; the fan-art is so cool! Guys, in the future use #NaDDPod — that’s N-A-D-D-P-O-D — so we can have it all in one place, and everybody check out our subreddit: that’s r/NotAnotherDnDPodcast. That’s ‘D’ — the letter ‘N’ — ‘D’ podcast.
As of right this moment we already have two-hundred and twenty-five reviews, which is a great start, so… tell you what: if you guys can get us up to four-hundred reviews, we’ll release a bonus episode where we will answer your questions about backstory, or the characters, or the adventure so far, or D&D in general — whatever you want.
Additionally, we’re gonna start doing shout-outs for the people who gave us five-star reviews, and that’ll start next week! At the end of the episode the party will do shout-outs for all of our new five-star reviews in character, so be sure to include which character you wanna receive a shout-out from.
Great! Now let me give you a quick recap of what happened last week. In future episodes I’ll do recaps with the whole crew so that they can comment, but we didn’t do that this session so I’ll do it real quick here.
[ambient music plays]
MURPH: Hardwon, Beverly and Moonshine showed up to the fishing village of Moonstone and met at the Hungry Trout Tavern. They were alerted by Beverly’s scoutmaster, Denny, that his troop — the Green Teens — were captured by bullywugs and dragged into a nearby swamp, but before they could go off to save them, they got into a bar fight with some barbarians who have been wreaking havoc on the town. The party bravely decapitated the brutes, then were aided by Mishka, the half-orc bartender, in hiding the bodies… and that’s where we find ourselves now.
[music becomes epic]
Welcome to the campaign after the campaign — this is Not Another D&D Podcast!
MURPH: Welcome back to the realm of Bahumia! I’m your Dungeon Master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Hurwitz, Caldwell Tanner, and Emily Axford!
EMILY AXFORD: Who’s Emily Axford? [as Moonshine; southern drawl] I’m Moonshine Cybin!
MURPH: Ooh!
JAKE HURWITZ: [as Hardwon; gruff voice] — and I’m Hardwon Surefoot.
CALDWELL TANNER: [as Beverly; high-pitched, excited voice] Hello, sirs and ma’ams. It’s me: Beverly!
[Emily laughs]
JAKE: Ever-proper.
MURPH: Beverly beheaded someone last week.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] — in self-defense!
[Murph laughs]
EMILY: Um — if I may, I believe we all took a chance at beheadin’ someone…
MURPH: Everyone does have one beheading under their belt — except for Hardwon, who has two.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Hardwon has two, yeah.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Moonshine’s was already dead, so… y’know.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Right.
JAKE: The second beheading was more of an execution.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Yes, Beverly did aid in an execution.
CALDWELL: I politely requested that we not execute the man; I had already gotten my required beheading for my Self-Defense Merit Patch, but my scoutmaster knows best and proceeded —
JAKE: [laughs] He calls me ‘the scoutmaster’ now.
MURPH: Yeah. [laughs] Scoutmaster Denny made you temporary scoutmasters.
EMILY: Yeah, we’re both… Remember, I hocked a loogie and slapped my—
MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I’m so lucky—
JAKE: [crosstalk] I’m gonna add that to my list of, like: ‘Pride of the mountain. Scoutmaster.’
EMILY: Yeah!
CALDWELL: Before I had but one scoutmaster; now I have three! Oh, lucky day!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Okay, so, you guys beheaded these barbarians that you got into a bar fight with.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Correct.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh! Barbarian bar fight — that’s where it comes from.
MURPH: After killing two of them outside the tavern—
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] I think that’s where the word ‘barbarian’ comes from. It’s actually—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Bar fight. Bar— yeah. [laughs]
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk] Bar fight. It’s short for barfightarian. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Barfightarian. Perfect.
CALDWELL: These bares in a bar.
MURPH: So you guys killed these barbarians who were trying— [laughs] — that were fleeing…
[all laugh]
MURPH: You executed fleeing men—
EMILY: I feel like I should point something out about Moonshine Cybin, which is that when she is in Symbiotic Entity mode she has a savageness, and she loses all of her Crick hospitality.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] How—
MURPH: [crosstalk] — sort of a crud-lust.
JAKE: Yeah.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: Yes! Yes.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Do you like it?
JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s nice! I like that.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] That’s very good.
EMILY: — or a sludge-lust!
MURPH: Oh, a sludge-lust?!
EMILY: She gets a sludge-lust!
JAKE: Although, if you think about, like: your hospitality sort of take a new shape too. Like… you had to be hospitable to Beverly and me and all of your new friends.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yes! Yes!
JAKE: People were trying to kill us! The most polite thing you could do is kill them first.
EMILY: Yes! I turn into sort of, like, a— I have a spore mentality, and you guys are part of my fungal network.
[Murph laughs]
JAKE: Right, yeah.
EMILY: So then I’m defending the fungal network.
JAKE: That’s your maternal instinct kicking in, that you probably hate.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: You’ve infected us with your spores!
EMILY: Yes.
CALDWELL: — but just, like, at a surface-level, so you know where we are and you can track us, but you haven’t infected us properly yet.
EMILY: Ooh, DM! Can I secretly put some spores on all of them so I can always track them?
MURPH: [crosstalk] Oh, God. Give a Sleight of Hand check, I guess.
CALDWELL: Not a secret now, I suppose.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: — or a… Stealth check? Whaddaya got there?
EMILY: — but I’m asking you, before I do that: if I secretly put some spores on them, could I have, like, Advantage on tracking them in the future?
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] — if we go rogue.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Uh… perhaps? We’ll see, depending on the situation.
JAKE: Yeah, we have to be careful about how we brand this thing, ‘cuz if you think about it: we just killed a bunch of people who asked us to buy them a drink… [laughs] — and then summarily executed guys fleeing.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Yeah.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Alright, so here’s where we’re at right now: there’s some beheaded barbarians that Mishka — the half-orc bartender — and some of the fishermen, that were also in the bar, kinda helped you pull inside. They helped clean up the tavern; they’re clearly tired of being pushed around by these barbarians as well, so they help you clean up after your murder.
So you guys are standing in this now-cleaned-up tavern, Mishka’s just closed the door… it’s you guys, the three fishermen, and the old bard who was there, and Mishka — she’s got these scars all down the left side of her face.
JAKE: [unintellible crosstalk] Mhm.
MURPH: She’s all burned-up.
EMILY: Real quick, I’d like to say: Hey, Mishka — real quick, I just wanted to know who these people are. So I just hold up their heads one by one and ask their names.
[all laugh]
MURPH: She looks at the head of the main dude — the bigger guy who gave you guys some problems — and she says: [as Mishka; surly, gruff voice] That one’s name is Kruk.
JAKE: Kruk.
MURPH: — or his name was Kruk.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Kruk! Okay.
MURPH: [crosstalk] He doesn’t have use for names anymore, I guess.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Kruk… is that with a ‘U’?
EMILY: — well, y’know, death is kinda cycle-of-life, so he’ll be back in his own way. Maybe as a tree!
CALDWELL: Aww. Yeah!
JAKE: [imitating Moonshine] “— or a giant mushroom!” [laughs]
[Caldwell & Emily laugh; ominous music plays]
MURPH: You see she walks over and she pulls open his mouth, and she shows you guys that he’s lost a bunch of his teeth — and she does the same with the other two barbarians — and she says:
EMILY: [crosstalk] That’s nuthin’.
MURPH: They’re called the Cracked-Tooth Clan.
JAKE: Oof.
CALDWELL: Ah!
MURPH: They’ve scared off the citizen militia, and the barbarians pretty much run the town now.
JAKE: — but we just killed their leader… right?
EMILY: Was it their leader?
JAKE: Was this their leader? Was Kruk the leader?
MURPH: Kruk is… not the leader.
JAKE: Shit. [laughs]
EMILY: Oh… he was pretty powerful.
JAKE: Yeah, he was hard to kill.
MURPH: The leader is one they call Guresh. He is living in the mayor’s old house. They ran the mayor out of town.
CALDWELL: Is that with a ‘G’?
MURPH: I don’t— They didn’t spell it for me.
CALDWELL: Okay, I’ll just guess! I’ll just do my best.
EMILY: Oh, wow, look at that script! He’s writing in calligraphy! [laughs]
JAKE: So, who are you afraid of? Is it the bullywugs?
MURPH: I am not afraid of the bullywugs. And you see the old bard comes up, and goes: [as old bard; jolly southern accent] Mishka here fought a dragon!
JAKE: O-oh, wh-whoa!
CALDWELL: Whaaat!?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Is that the…?
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, is that where the scar came from? I definitely thought it was a cooking accident.
JAKE: [crosstalk] I didn’t notice a scar! I can’t see it. I—
EMILY: [crosstalk] I assumed maybe you flipped a fish too energetically…
MURPH: [laughs] You see she has, like, one blind, completely white, milky eye.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Hardwon is pretending not to look at it.
JAKE: Oh! I see something… maybe small— I don’t know.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: She goes: Yes, it is true. Before the heroes came, a band of us here from the village tried to face the dragon… and I was the only one who survived.
CALDWELL: Beverly thinks about asking about dragon genitals, but says nothing.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] He blushes slightly.
MURPH: [crosstalk] As you start to pipe up, Scoutmaster Denny’s just like: [as Scoutmaster Denny; high-pitched, stammering, craven voice] Hol-hold on there, now, uh, bud!
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: I pull out my book about dragon anatomy.
MURPH: [laughs] You’re starting to, like, point at the dick and ask about it.
JAKE: He just slowly pushes the book down.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: Well, I mean… I’d say, Mishka— I heard that some bullywugs took up some Scout young’uns. We’re probably gonna go save them, ‘cuz, I mean bullywugs— we’ve got bullywugs down by The Crick; they come up about knee-high…
CALDWELL: As a Green Teen I am loyal to my fellow Green Teens, and I must rescue them! It is my sacred charge, as provided by my three scoutmasters!
JAKE: Yeah, this guy gave me a bunch of gold, so I was gonna go too.
EMILY: [crosstalk] — and I got a Green Teen Gift Bag.
MURPH: [crosstalk] — y-yeah, a-a-and a fine Scoutmaster you are, mister Hardwon!
JAKE: Thank you.
[Caldwell laughs]
CALDWELL: I’m proud to serve under your allegiance! [laughs]
MURPH: You see Mishka turns to Scoutmaster Denny in disgust, and she goes: You should’ve never brought them out onto the bay.
JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s where they are.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] — but that’s where the Moon Stone is!
MURPH: They shouldn’t have gone out there with this little coward.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: — but that’s where the—
MURPH: You see Scoutmaster Denny just says: T-to, uh… b-be honest, uh— she’s correct! We should not have gone out! I definitely just sw-s-swam back as soon as I saw them!
EMILY: [crosstalk] Y’all, Moonshine—
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] You raise your finger, like “I object to being called a coward… but no”—
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] — but this is where the Jamboreen is! Surely you heard about it; there was a lot of flyers up.
MURPH: The Jamboreen was cancelled.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Super-cancelled.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk; laughs] People keep saying that, and I guess I’m having trouble accepting it. [sighs] Well, maybe if we can get the Scouts back from the clutches of these nasty bullywugs, the Jamboreen could be back on — ‘cuz I’m sure it would be a great source of economic growth for the town!
EMILY: Y’know, I’ve got a washboard and two pieces of leafs. I could put on a one-woman show for that Jamboreen!
MURPH: Per-per-perhaps, uh, y-you should help these, uh… the-the Green Teens, before they— uh, they-they-they’re ritualistically sacrificed! [laughs]
JAKE: Oh, yeah; you mentioned that! We should go do that.
CALDWELL: Now, I love a ritual… but sacrifice is no good!
[Jake & Emily laugh]
CALDWELL: Let’s go, gang!
EMILY: Um… are we gonna need a boat for this, or can we kinda just wade?
MURPH: You can take one of the boats down at the dock — that’s probably the fastest way around — or you can walk north around the bay to get to the swamp.
JAKE: Boat. We gotta go boat, right?
EMILY: Yeah. Definitely boat.
CALDWELL: I do have my Boat Merit Patch, so I would happily steer the boat for you. I—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Now, does that mean you’ve been in a boat, or you’ve seen a boat? That’s—
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] I have read three books about boats—
JAKE: [crosstalk] — okay.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Don’t worry—
MURPH: So, to be clear: he hasn’t even seen a boat.
[all laugh]
JAKE: [laughs] — ‘cuz you got your Bullywug Patch because you dissected a bullywug; not because you fought one, or have seen one, or… okay.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yes! I stared intently at one, yes, this is true.
JAKE: Alright, great. And you’ve also stared intently at a blueprint, I guess, of a boat?
CALDWELL: Galaderon is landlocked.
JAKE: Right.
EMILY: Y’all, it’s easy; I’ll just put PawPaw out the back of the boat and he can kinda kick and, just like, be like a little engine to propel us along.
JAKE: I was raised inside a mountain, so that sounds fine to me. [laughs]
[Emily laughs]
JAKE: If that’s what a boat is, let’s do it! [laughs]
[Emily laughs again]
CALDWELL: I’m just so excited to see a boat!
EMILY: Sounds good.
MURPH: Mishka just shakes her head, and she says: You might want to stop by the temple and talk to one of the druids before you go. They might be able to help you; heal you up, maybe give you something for your journey.
CALDWELL: Okay!
JAKE: [pained voice] Yeah, let’s go see that guy! I have a super-deep axe-wound in my shoulder.
CALDWELL: You are bleeding quite a lot.
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Yes, you’re very hurt.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Also, as a Druid — would love to hang out with a couple other druids; maybe swap stories, runes, whatnot…
JAKE: [crosstalk; imitating Moonshine] “Spores.”
EMILY: [crosstalk] — spores…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, as an aspiring Green Knight — always happy to learn from a Druid.
MURPH: Just so you know, she’s going to be so angry that you’re here, because she already told this one… — and she points to Scoutmaster Denny…
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: — that the Jamboreen was cancelled and that he shouldn’t go out on the bay, but then he went out on the bay and now a bunch of kids are missing.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Cool.
MURPH: — and Scoutmaster Denny goes like: Y-y-yep! That’s— that’s right!
JAKE: [laughs] Again raising his— [imitating Scoutmaster Denny] “Once I get… that is true!”
[Murph & Emily laugh]
CALDWELL: I’m so excited for my first mission: to save the Jamboreen!
[Murph & Emily laugh again]
MURPH: So Scoutmaster Denny goes: Uh… I-I can— I can show you th-the way to the temple, uh… if you guys want!
CALDWELL: Yes, sir!
EMILY: Yeah, that’d be great!
MURPH: Alright. Mishka looks at you guys as she opens the door to let you out, and she says: The barbarians probably won’t notice that Kruk is gone for the night. He’s a drunken idiot, it’s not unheard of that he would get drunk—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Drunken idiot’s not their most powerful… leader… guy?
MURPH: [crosstalk] No, not even close.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Okay.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Huh.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay. Even though he was, like, real powerful, though?
JAKE: [crosstalk] That guy—
EMILY: [crosstalk] He’s, like, close. Hmm.
MURPH: So, these men that you killed? They may not notice them missing for twelve, sixteen, eighteen hours a day, but they will notice eventually, and they will come asking.
CALDWELL: The Green Teen Handbook likes to use the term ‘mortally-corrected’, not ‘killed’. Just, please…. if you don’t mind.
MURPH: You see she just turns from Beverly — just turns right to Hardwon, completely ignoring him.
[Jake laughs]
JAKE: Hardwon nods. That makes sense.
MURPH: [laughs] Okay. They both nod, and then Scoutmaster Denny just goes like: Oh, al-alright, uh… Campers of the Light! U-uh… l-let’s go!
[beat]
CALDWELL: Hurray!
[Murph laughs]
JAKE: [laughs] Only Beverly is into it.
EMILY: Alright, I don’t know about this guy. [laughs]
[all laugh]
MURPH: [laughs] — only Beverly is—
CALDWELL: I’ll take the rear!
MURPH: [laughs] You see Scoutmaster Denny and Beverly start, like, marching off—
JAKE: — they link arms! [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] — and they link arms and start walking off, and Hardwon and Moonshine are just so disgusted.
CALDWELL: I think we start marching off, and then I, like, turn back around and I’m like: Come on! Come on!
JAKE: Alright.
EMILY: I put PawPaw on his leash.
CALDWELL: Good, good, good.
EMILY: I say: I’m sorry, PawPaw, but things gott’n dangerous. You need to get hitched.
MURPH: [laughs] PawPaw’s: [feral possum noises]
[all laugh]
MURPH: — just, like, scrambling… foaming at mouth… he’s going crazier now that he’s on a leash. He’s running, like, the full length of his leash and just yanking at it.
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah, it’s like a viney straightjacket that I strap him into.
[Jake & Murph laugh; nature ambience plays]
CALDWELL: So we’re going to a temple, or…?
MURPH: Ju— uh, yes! It’s a-a-a temple to Melora! O-oh, this is good! I-I-I was actually, uh… preparing some things to teach you, but I never had a chance ‘cuz the Green Teens disappeared!
CALDWELL: [gasps] I pull out my notebook.
[all laugh]
JAKE: Of course.
MURPH: [laughs] Hardwon just rubs his forehead so hard. [laughs]
[all laugh]
MURPH: He just can’t believe… you know, you could’ve sided with the barbarians, but you made your bed… [laughs] — and now you gotta lay in it.
JAKE: This is my crew!
[Caldwell & Emily laugh]
MURPH: So Scoutmaster Denny goes like—
EMILY: [crosstalk] But remember: I’m hot!
JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah. Yeah. [laughs]
EMILY: I’m attractive!
JAKE: That’s what I keep on reminding myself.
[Murph laughs]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] “Reminder:—“
JAKE: [crosstalk] “The elf is hot. The elf is hot.” [laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] “She’s covered in mushrooms, but she might take a shower at some point. She might take a shower, and the spores might come off. I don’t know.”
[Jake & Emily laugh]
MURPH: So Scoutmaster Denny says: Uh, now the— th-the, er, d-druids here, uh… the town is run by a Druid Circle and a Town Council; uh… that is, uh, the mayor and a-a, er… group of people within the town who help make decisions! Now, uh, as we know, the mayor was run out of town by barbarians, b-b-but there’s still a Druid Circle! Now, er… the mother, Thistle, is at the head of the Druid Circle, but I did not get to talk to her, ‘cuz when I went to the temple, uh… uh, Shae — who is part of the Druid Circle — told me to leave, and said that the Jamboreen was cancelled! So n-n-now we’re gonna go back to that temple—
JAKE: And they also told you not to go out on the bay with the kids. [laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] — and they told… that is, y-y-yes, y-y-yes—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Alright, okay.
MURPH: — they told me not to do that.
EMILY: Why did the bullywugs spare you?
MURPH: Oh— Oh, I-I-I ran!
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: I ran as soon as I saw them! I was— I just jumped on my own boat, and I-I left the teens— I left those teens by themselves!
EMILY: Hmm…
JAKE: [laughs] You are a craven man.
[all laugh]
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah, I gotta be honest, I don’t think I’d treat the young’uns that way.
I wouldn’t—
MURPH: I-I don’t, I… I’m more of a tour guide than a Paladin, really.
[Emily & Jake laugh]
CALDWELL: It’s true that a Green Teen is taught never to run, especially when his friends are being left behind.
MURPH: Well… D— Y-y’know what? Uh, uh… and that’s just why you’re gonna make a great, uh… Junior Green Knight, when you… when you bring— wait—
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ahhh, you were testing me!
MURPH: I’m testing you!
JAKE: [crosstalk] No— Oh, God. [laughs]
MURPH: Uh, these are your new scoutmasters!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: They’re the ones that are gonna take you on into the swamp!
JAKE: [crosstalk] Just so you know, we weren’t part of this.
MURPH: So, we’re gonna take you— I’m gonna take you—
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] Yeah, I don’t know about this guy.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: — to a temple of Melora! Now, Melora is the goddess of nature!
EMILY: Hey, maybe—
MURPH: — yes?
EMILY: Maybe when you drop us off, you… I don’t know, go get a drink and go to bed? [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: Are you su— okay, well, I…
JAKE: I think they might not want to see your face at the temple. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Okay—
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah, I’m thinking that you might make us look worse if you come with us.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: You see he holds up his finger. Th-that is… That is absolutely right!
[Jake laughs again]
EMILY: Yeah, okay.
MURPH: Th-th-the lady druid Shae, t—… s-said that, uh, she did not like me and that I was a coward, and to not take those teens anywhere near the bay. And what did I do? I took them near the bay!
[Jake laughs again]
EMILY: Okay.
JAKE: And then he ran away from the bull— yeah.
MURPH: And then— I did run away!
JAKE: You ditched them, okay.
MURPH: [crosstalk] But yes, uh—
EMILY: Okay, real quick…
MURPH: Mhm?
EMILY: I take a straw hat and I say: Just put this on and sorta, like, pull it over your eyes, so no one would recognize you. [laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Y-y-yes, ma’am!
[Jake & Emily laugh]
MURPH: — and you see Scoutmaster Denny… [laughs] — puts the straw hat over his face, and he starts leading you guys down to the temple. So you guys—
CALDWELL: As we’re walking, I whisper to him: [whispering] I forgive you!
[all laugh]
MURPH: Th-th-thank you so much, ‘cuz I don’t forgive myself!
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: [whispering] You shouldn’t!
JAKE: [laughs] That‘s dark.
[all laugh]
MURPH: So he takes you guys to this round stone structure, that’s kinda like a dome.
CALDWELL: Mhm.
MURPH: — and it’s completely covered in moss and flowers, and you see a little hut next to it — which you can assume is probably Thistle’s, like, original hut — and now there’s a temple next to it.
CALDWELL: Ahhh.
EMILY: I pluck a little bit of moss and eat it. [laughs]
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: It tastes like grass.
[all laugh]
MURPH: It tastes like dirt and grass.
EMILY: Actually, I just chew on it. [laughs]
MURPH: Sure, you just start chewing.
CALDWELL: Um, I would like to—
MURPH: Scoutmaster Denny turns to you, and goes like: Uh, please don’t do that in the swamp, just eat an-anything.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: Do I know anything about, like the history of this? As a Green Teen?
MURPH: You would know that this was a temple to Melora—
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
MURPH: — who is the nature god — sort of a neutral god — who, you know, was kind of just like, “come what may — there are, y’know, predators and there are prey”. Oh, I just rhymed!
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Right; nature is chaos, yeah. Mhm. Right.
MURPH: Yeah, exactly. So, it’s kind of neither good nor bad… just more, like, of the land.
EMILY: What about—
JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: — and you know that there is also a little structure that is for Pelor, which is your god…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Aww!
MURPH: — the god of farming and agriculture, and the light, and the song.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Nice! Nice of them to acknowledge.
MURPH: So that’s in the back, yeah.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Who’s my god? Yeah—
EMILY: I have a question.
JAKE: Oh, go ahead.
EMILY: I have a question: how much would I know? Would I know — as, like, a Crick-elf Druid — would I know Melora?
MURPH: You would definitely know Melora.
EMILY: And who’s my god?
MURPH: Probably Melora.
EMILY: Ohhhh!
JAKE: Nice.
CALDWELL: Oh!
JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]
EMILY: [crosstalk] Coming hooome!
JAKE: What’s— Do I have a god?
MURPH: You would probably worship a dwarven god. Moradin is the creator-dwarf guy.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Cool.
CALDWELL: I think as we’re walking up to this—
JAKE: What is his name?
MURPH: Moradin.
JAKE: Moradin.
EMILY: Okay so, if we’re going — if this is my god—
CALDWELL: Yeah.
EMILY: I take a finger full of mud, and I make the shape of Melora on my forehead.
MURPH: Okay, cool.
CALDWELL: [laughs] The shape—
MURPH: It’s, like… a wave is her symbol.
CALDWELL: Okay, cool.
MURPH: So just a wave in the— [laughs]
EMILY: Yeah, so I draw — and I draw on your foreheads, too.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk; whispering] Thank you!
JAKE: [crosstalk] I just shut my eyes in frustration.
MURPH: [crosstalk] It’s just like Ash Wednesday!
[all laugh]
MURPH: So you see… [laughs] — Scoutmaster Denny bows, just this little halfling bow — just this stupid coward in a straw hat…
[all laugh]
MURPH: — just bows and points to the temple and goes: A-As you requested, I will not follow you inside!
EMILY: Yeah, go get a good night’s sleep, okay?
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
MURPH: Okay, good night everyone! If you don’t come back tomorrow, I’ll try to pay a hunter to find your bodies!
CALDWELL: Good night, sir!
MURPH: Good night!
JAKE: [laughs] I hope he can’t rest that well.
[all laugh]
EMILY: I hope he honestly—
JAKE: I hope he has a hard time falling asleep. [laughs]
MURPH: [laugh] Scoutmaster Denny still has a skip in his step…
[all laugh]
MURPH: — as he, like, walks. [laughs] You can tell he’s, like, totally—
JAKE: — falls asleep as soon as he hits the pillow.
MURPH: [laughs] You shouldn’t know this as not-the-DM, but he does fall asleep as soon as he hits the pillow.
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
EMILY: I kinda hope… I kinda hope he just, like, leaves town, and goes to another town to start an afterschool program, and does something else with his life.
[Murph laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, Denny…
JAKE: “Do you have any references?” [imitating Denny] “Uh, nope!”
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Denny definitely fails up— [laughs] …career-wise, yeah.
[Emily laughs again]
MURPH: He definitely also has a rich dad.
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
MURPH: He’s definitely a, like, twenty-two-year-old Junior Green Knight…
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: — when he should be a hero by now.
[Jake & Caldwell laugh again]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] He definitely… yeah.
JAKE: [crosstalk] He had so much gold to— [laughs; unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: [laughs] He does have a lot of gold. He’s a coward! He’s a coward, I don’t know what else to say.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Just a— yeah. Straight up.
MURPH: So you guys are now— so Denny… [laughs] — Denny, with a skip in his step, just skips away…
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: Hmm!
MURPH: — and you guys are now standing in front of this little temple of Melora. There’s no door, it’s just open.
CALDWELL: As he’s leaving, I say: Our dads are friends! [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: That’s right!
CALDWELL: [laughs] Bye! Alright.
EMILY: So as I go in, I take my two blades of grass and I begin to play a song to Melora, in Melora’s honor.
MURPH: Oh, my God.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
MURPH: [laughs] Roll me a Performance check.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: Hell yeah!
EMILY: [laughs] Oh, shit.
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
EMILY: I believe I should have some kind of…
MURPH: I think it’s probably just Charisma.
EMILY: [crosstalk] I mean, I’m proficient in my musical instrument, though.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Are you?
EMILY: Yeah. I have a tool proficiency in my musical instrument.
MURPH: Oh, sweet!
EMILY: So what do I add— oh, I add my proficiency bonus.
MURPH: [crosstalk] So you add, like— yeah.
EMILY: [laughs] Okay.
MURPH: [laughs] Read your character sheet.
[Caldwell laughs; Emily rolls]
CALDWELL: Ooh! Seventeen!
EMILY: Ooh, baby! Twenty-one!
MURPH: Twenty-one!?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, dude, she fucking brings the house down!
MURPH: She pulls out two grass blades to her lips—
JAKE: I’m like: Hey, what are you doing!?
EMILY: [crosstalk] And I make up—
MURPH: [crosstalk] — and she’s been a fucking nutcase at this point.
[Jake & Emily laugh]
MURPH: She’s got a possum on a leash…
JAKE: [crosstalk] She ate moss.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] — just going absolutely nuts, she just ate handful of moss… She starts playing—
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Rubbed dirt on her forehead.
[Emily sings flute noises]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Hardwon, since you’re— You live with the dwarves, so they’re not, like, as musical or sentimental, and halflings, like, enjoy a good tune.
CALDWELL: Oh, sure, I think that I would probably accompany her with my angelic boy voice.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Sure. [laughs] So these two just start playing this beautiful duet.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.
MURPH: He’s singing about Pelor, and she’s playing this beautiful… it sounds like a flute.
[Emily continues to sing flute noises]
CALDWELL: [singing in falsetto] ♬ Pelor and Melora, they dance in the flora! ♬
JAKE: So nothing like that. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Nothing like this; it sounds beautiful. It’s one of the most — probably the most — beautiful song you’ve ever heard.
JAKE: Mhm.
MURPH: As you guys enter this…
EMILY: Is it affecting animals as we walk by?
MURPH: [laughs] There are no animals out.
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Except for PawPaw.
[Caldwell laughs again]
MURPH: You can see there are like, flowers and stuff… [laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] You really calm this PawPaw. [laughs]
MURPH: Yeah. No, yeah— PawPaw calmed down.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Aw, yeah.
MURPH: PawPaw calmed down and he, like, got up, and he’s furiously licking your face.
[Emily laughs again]
MURPH: — and it is really hard for you to play and maintain concentration because PawPaw’s just going in on that cheek.
[Emily laughs again]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] This song is called— yeah… It’s called PawPaw’s Melody— PawPaw’s Lullaby.
[Emily laughs; mysterious music plays]
MURPH: So you guys enter the temple, and as you step inside you see moonlight shining from the top of, like, the domed roof.
CALDWELL: Ooooh.
EMILY: [gasps; imitating a spectral voice] “Moonshiiine.”
MURPH: There’s like a circular window at the top,l that lets light shine down onto the floor of the temple…
EMILY: Can I sparkle in moonlight?
MURPH: [laughs] …you could go step under the moonlight. [laughs]
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] You would look pretty majestic, sure.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, you probably—- yeah, you’re dew-y.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Does any of us— yeah.
JAKE: [crosstalk] It just bounces off the ‘shrooms.
MURPH: Sure. So the moon… [laughs] — the moonlight bounces off the ‘shrooms, making Moonshine just look radiant.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] So, under—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Hardwon’s like: Damn, she is really hot.
[all laugh]
MURPH: [laughs] Yeah. Hardwon’s like, “Shit, if she took a shower…”
[Jake & Emily laugh]
CALDWELL: Beverly is uncomfortable, and washes his hands.
[Murph & Emily laugh]
MURPH: [laughs] Beverly just goes to, like, a holy fountain and starts washing his hands, like he’s taking a bath.
[all laugh]
EMILY: [laughs] Muttering a prayer of penance.
MURPH: [laughs] He just takes a bath in a bird fountain.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: Okay, so you guys see that, like, under this window that’s shining moonlight, there is, like, a garden on the floor of the temple…
EMILY: Ooh! [gasp]
MURPH: — with, like, soft green grass and flowers.
CALDWELL: Oh!
EMILY: [crosstalk] This is beautiful.
MURPH: There are wooden bookshelves along the walls, and, like, various tables with, like, scrolls and potions, and then there’s an altar below a hanging tapestry with the wave-like symbol of Melora. And you see a white-haired, ageless-looking Druid woman, like a… like a yoga mom? I would say?
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Cool.
MURPH: [crosstalk] M’kay, like a yoga mom.
EMILY: This is my freaking dream, to be white-haired and ageless.
MURPH: So she’s white-haired and ageless, and she’s meditating in the moonlight.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Right.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, my God… I—
MURPH: — and, even as you guys play this song and everything, she’s just paying you no mind.
CALDWELL: Is this just the Moon Juice woman?
[beat]
MURPH: [crosstalk] The Moon Juice woman?
EMILY: [crosstalk] I have to be— …yeah. [laughs] This is the Moon Juice woman.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Emily knows what I’m talking about! [laughs]
EMILY: Like that… L.A. Moon Juice— like, Gwyneth Paltrow…
CALDWELL: [unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: Yes, this— she is… she is Goop.
EMILY: Okay, so—
CALDWELL: [laughs] Is that her name!?
MURPH: [laughs] No.
CALDWELL: Aww…
MURPH: They told you that her name is Shae. [unintelligible crosstalk]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Coming into this, I did not know Moonshine’s sexuality… but Moonshine is desperately attracted.
[Murph laughs]
CALDWELL: Sure.
EMILY: Her ovaries are, like… she can feel them—
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] — thrumming.
EMILY: — throbbing against her stomach. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Wow.
CALDWELL: Thrumming and throbbing.
JAKE: Ooh! Does that play into your, like, fertileness?
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Interesting.
EMILY: Just, like, releasing eggs at looking at her. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: I’d like to imagine they’re just like cartoon maracas.
EMILY: Yeah. [laughs]
MURPH: So, you guys show up and Moonshine is just l—
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: — everyone is just lustily looking at this Druid woman who’s meditating on the ground.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
JAKE: [laughs] Everyone’s just horny.
MURPH: Yeah, everyone’s just standing there. Everyone’s standing there very horny.
CALDWELL: Two episodes in and we’re already horny.
MURPH: Yeah.
JAKE: Totally forgot about the kids.
MURPH: Yeah, Moonshine, why don’t you go ahead and roll for Horniness. See how horny you are.
EMILY: Okay, yeah. [rolls die]
[Jake laughs]
EMILY & CALDWELL: Eleven.
EMILY: What do I add to that, Charisma?
MURPH: Uh, yeah.
EMILY: And I’m also proficient in it, so…
CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, shit.
MURPH: Yeah, proficient Horniness.
EMILY: Gonna be a fifteen.
MURPH: [crosstalk] That’s a fifteen, okay. Pretty horny.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] That’s pretty horny.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Sweet.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Okay, as Beverly takes a bath in the birdbath…
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
[Emily laughs again]
MURPH: — washing his hands—
CALDWELL: [laughs] — and my feet!
MURPH: — you see she’s meditating, and without opening her eyes, she says: [as Shae; soft, serious voice] I told you kids the Jamboreen was cancelled.
CALDWELL: WE’RE HERE TO SAVE THE JAMBOREEN!
[Murph & Jake laugh]
EMILY: Okay, okay! Actually… [clears throat] Hi.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: Moonshine Cybin; friend of the fungus, lover of decay. We’re actually here because we’re gonna save the young’uns from the bullywugs.
CALDWELL: It’s true!
JAKE: Yeah. Yeah, I’m not here for the Jamboreen.
CALDWELL: We’ve been charged with the sacred quest to save my fellow Green Teens!
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah… I’m just sort of, like, a budding hero.
MURPH: She’s still stilling with her legs crossed, and she says: What do you mean — they got taken by bullywugs? I told that little idiot not to take them anywhere near the bay!
CALDWELL: He took them very close to the bay, so he could teach them about the Moon Stone!
[Emily & Murph laugh]
JAKE: Don’t worry about him, though, he’s fine. He ran away…
[all laugh]
MURPH: Cut to Scoutmaster Denny sleeping in one of the rooms above The Hungry Trout Inn. [laughs]
EMILY: — with, like, a hot milk next to him. He’s just, like, really enjoying himself
JAKE: [crosstalk] — having a pleasant dream.
MURPH: [laughs] He’s staying in the biggest room with a king-sized bed, ‘cuz his dad’s so rich.
CALDWELL: So feathery. He’s wearing a nightcap, absolutely. He’s got a little, like, candle next to his bed that he’s blowing out.
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Yeah, so—
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] We have come here seeking healing and supplies for our journey to SAAAVE the JAMBOREEN!
JAKE: — save the kids.
EMILY: — the young’uns! We’re here for the young’uns.
JAKE: [crosstalk] You can still cancel the Jamboreen.
[Murph laughs]
CALDWELL: The Jamboreen will be saved!
[all laugh]
MURPH: [laughs] You see she turns… [laughs] — once again she turns away from the other two, and looks right at Hardwon, and says…
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
CALDWELL: ‘Kay.
EMILY: No, I was sayin’ we were savin’ the young’uns!
MURPH: Okay.
EMILY: I’m on your side, girl. Hi; fellow worshiper of Melora. I reach out my hand.
MURPH: She reluctantly takes your hand.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk] I hold it until she— [laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, too long.
MURPH: She gets some spores on her hand.
EMILY: My hand’s crawling up her wrist. [laughs]
MURPH: Oh, my God! She pulls back.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: I offer her some, like, hand tonic to clean— it’s like the fantasy equivalent of, like, sanitation gel.
MURPH: Sure.
CALDWELL: I hand her some of that to clean her hands.
MURPH: Do, like, a Persuasion check.
CALDWELL: Oh, let me see… Oh! I have a plus-six in Persuasion!
MURPH: See if this woman likes you.
CALDWELL: Alright. [rolls die] Eighteen plus six.
MURPH: Oh, dope. Okay.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: So she…
JAKE: [crosstalk] Should check if— [unintelligible crosstalk]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Hey, Murph? Murph? I’m a very good boy.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: Beverly IS a very good boy.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: [laughs] Yeah.
MURPH: So you see she turns, and you hand her, like, some hand sanitizer.
CALDWELL: I think it’s like an aloe leaf.
MURPH: Okay, you hand her an aloe leaf, and she breaks, and laughs, and she tussles your hair and says:
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: Child, I’m a Druid of Melora, I don’t need to wash my hands. I’m okay with dirty hands, I think.
CALDWELL: Okay, I just— they just look kind of dirty.
JAKE: It’s kind of gross.
EMILY: [laughs] I’m rolling around in the mud in the corner.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Okay. Once again she just turns to Hardwon. Nah, she just turns to Hardwon and Beverly as she’s rolling— rolling in the mud.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Talks to the adult in the room.
MURPH: She says: I need to be here to protect the people of this town, especially with the barbarians, so I can’t go with you into the swamp. But, if there are children in trouble, I will help you as best I can.
JAKE: Awesome.
MURPH: — and you see she heals you guys fully. She’s a powerful enough druid that—
CALDWELL: Nice!
EMILY: How does she heal? Is it, like, distance, or touch?
JAKE: [crosstalk] You want touch so bad!
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Please.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] She heals Beverly by touch—
[Caldwell moans]
MURPH: — she heals Hardwon by touch, and heals you by distance.
[Emily & Jake laugh]
EMILY: I’m like: Oh, I think I might not be fully healed! Maybe you wanna do one of them touch-heals on me.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Beverly does not like the touch. [laughs]
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Oh, God. Okay, so she looks at you guys and says: I can give you some things that will help you on your journey, but please, be careful while you’re out there. There’s worse in that swamp than bullywugs.
CALDWELL: Like…?
JAKE: Shit.
EMILY: Like what?
CALDWELL: Like, what’s worse th… like, two bullywugs?
MURPH: There are many bullywugs.
CALDWELL: Okay.
MURPH: They usually have a king of some sort; some type of shaman.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: There are trolls in the swamp…
CALDWELL: Ooh!
EMILY: What? These sound nothing like Crick bullywugs.
MURPH: I don’t know what bullywugs are like at The Crick, but out here they’re—
EMILY: About knee-high! ‘Bout knee-high!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: They’re taller than knee-high here.
EMILY: Oh! Okay.
CALDWELL: I’m knee-high!
MURPH: You are knee-high, little one.
CALDWELL: Huh.
MURPH: You’re a very good boy. — and she tussles your hair.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: ‘Bout knee-high, they make a lot of noise at night… it’s kind of annoying.
MURPH: Sure. Well, I’ll give you these to help you get across the bay quickly. — and she hands you these three scrolls; they are Scrolls of Water Walking.
CALDWELL: Ooh!
[Emily gasps]
MURPH: They let you walk on water for, like, twenty minutes.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Dope.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Whoa!
MURPH: She hands you Scrolls of Water Walking, and she also gives you guys each a Potion of Healing.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Aw, write that down!
EMILY: [crosstalk; gasps] Wow!
JAKE: [crosstalk] That’s awesome.
MURPH: So you guys are all healed up to full health…
EMILY: Can I— I would like to just take her aside. I’m not gonna do anything creepy.
MURPH: Sure.
EMILY: I’m just saying: I come bearin’ the spore of The Crick, and I’m tryin’-a sort of spread it to spread our word, spread our message, spread our people — we’re a hospitable people. I would love to plant just, y’know, a handful of spores in this beautiful garden.
MURPH: You’re more than welcome to leave your mark.
EMILY: Thank you so much.
CALDWELL: I approach her with my— I have a little booklet that is labelled ‘Interfaith Relationships’ — and I say: I’m working on my Interfaith Relationships Merit Patch; could you please sign this to say that I’ve communed with a hostess of Melora? As a representative of Pelor, it is important for our two faiths to intermingle and work together!
MURPH: Absolutely.
CALDWELL: Yesssss! YEEEESSSSS!
MURPH: — and she says: Who should I make this out to? What’s your name?
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: My name is Beverly. Beverly Toegold, the fifth!
MURPH: Beverly Toegold, the fifth… — and she signs your little book.
[Emily laughs]
JAKE: Beverly, I have to sign that too, as your scoutmaster.
CALDWELL: Could you, please? Yeah, everyone has to sign this. Everyone sign it, please.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Oh, you’re the scoutmaster. You do know that it’s cancelled, right? The whole retreat? [laughs]
JAKE: — and it’s not coming back on.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Temporarily cancelled, yes.
JAKE: [laughs] It’s permanently cancelled.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh — for now!
JAKE: [crosstalk] — as your scoutmaster—
MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] Right, right, yes. Yes, I expressly, specifically told the scoutmaster, Denny, that it was cancelled.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Right… yeah, Denny, ugh. He… [laughs] He’s a bad guy. I don’t know what to tell you.
[Murph laughs]
CALDWELL: — for the time being, yes.
EMILY: When you hand it to Moonshine to sign, she looks really confused and tries to pretend like she knows how to write. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk] She kind of just scribbles with both hands on it— [unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: [laughs] She just makes her mark.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Yeah, I feel like I just whisper to her: [whispers] An ‘X’ is fine!
[Emily & Caldwell laugh]
MURPH: Okay! So she shows you guys out, and as you guys are leaving the temple, she looks at you guys and she says: Good luck; may Melora bless you.
EMILY: You as well.
CALDWELL: — and Pelor keep you as well!
MURPH: She nods. Thank you.
EMILY: …do you want one of these little mud-spots I did?
MURPH: No, actually, I do not.
EMILY: Okay.
CALDWELL: [laughs] It’s actually pretty soothing!
EMILY: It’s nice, yeah.
CALDWELL: Yeah, it’s working well on my acne.
EMILY: It’s the love of Melora!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: Beverly is covered in acne.
[all laugh]
EMILY: Uh-huh, you do have a lot of that.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh. So, should we head for the bay?
EMILY: Yes.
JAKE: Let’s go to the bay.
CALDWELL: Hurray!
EMILY: Let’s do it!
MURPH: Dope. So you guys—
JAKE: Beverly tries to do the ‘linked-arms skipping’ with us.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Yeah, I try to link arms with both of them and skip.
JAKE: I’m good.
[Caldwell & Emily laugh; ocean ambience plays]
MURPH: You guys walk through the village, and as you get down to the docks and the bay… as you approach the water, it gets brighter and brighter. You can see the water lighting up in, like, a bright, translucent white with a pale-blue glow, and even from here — even from, like, twenty, thirty feet away — you can see movement in the water, of, like, the various fish swimming around.
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: By the dock, you see there are several, like, small fishing boats docked there, and sitting on the dock is a singular half-orc barbarian, with, like, a ponytail…
CALDWELL: Huh. Ooh…
MURPH: — and he looks more a shaman — he’s got, like, pelts and stuff — and you see he’s kind of meditating on the dock there.
EMILY: We could try to charm this guy… although, if he’s a shaman he probably has—
CALDWELL: [laughs] He’s meditating, right? Couldn’t we just sneak past him? [laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] We got permission to use the boat anyway.
MURPH: [crosstalk] You see him just… right now he has his back to you. He’s looking out at the water, so you kind of…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay.
EMILY: [crosstalk] We have Water Walk, though, bitches. Who needs boats?
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah. Alright, so—
JAKE: — but we should— should we save them in case something happens to the boat?
CALDWELL: Murph, just to paint a picture: he’s at the end of, like, a long, narrow dock? Is that what we’re saying?
MURPH: Yes.
CALDWELL: Why don’t we just, like, walk around the side of the dock and go around him? [laughs]
MURPH: You can literally do whatever you want. Do you wanna avoid him? Do you wanna speak to him? What do you wanna do?
CALDWELL: If he’s a shaman and he’s meditating, I feel like we could maybe—
EMILY: What if we just left a note at his feet? That worked so well last time. [laughs]
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: He does have the same ponytail of, like, the other barbarian dudes. So he’s definitely with them, from what you can tell.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay. Alright. Yeah we—
EMILY: [crosstalk] Ohh, okay. Okay. So should we try to sneak?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Yes. Let’s sneak around this dude.
EMILY: [crosstalk] I think we should just try to sneak around him.
CALDWELL: Yeah. Should we try to give him a wedgie?
[beat]
JAKE: [crosstalk] …no, Beverly. [laughs] You’re a good boy!
EMILY: [crosstalk] No!
CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay. That was Caldwell talking. Beverly would never.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: So did you guys wanna take the kind of long way around?
CALDWELL: Not the super-long way; I’m thinking we just kinda, like, start from the beach, and, like, water-tiptoe around this guy.
MURPH: Okay.
EMILY: — and Stealth.
CALDWELL: Mhm.
MURPH: So you guys walk far away. Are you guys gonna use the scrolls, or are you guys gonna try to take a boat?
JAKE: I vote boat — and then, like, we’ve got the scrolls…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] What?
EMILY: [crosstalk] I think that’s a good idea, ‘cuz the scrolls only last so long.
JAKE: [crosstalk] — ‘cuz we gotta put the kids in the boats!
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah.
CALDWEL: [crosstalk] Ohhh, use the scrolls as a backup. Cool.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah.
CALDWELL: Murph, double-check in the Explorer’s Pack; does it have a telescope in it? A little spyglass?
MURPH: [laughs] You can have a spyglass if you’d like, sure.
CALDWELL: Okay!
EMILY: Oh, my gosh — we should get a boat that looks like a fishing boat, so if he sees us he thinks we’re just late-night fishin’.
JAKE: Smart.
CALDWELL: Yeah! Good, good, good.
EMILY: Okay.
MURPH: Alright, so there are only kind of small fishing boats, since this village has kind of constantly been in peril.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh. [laughs]
MURPH: There’s never been a time where they’ve had, like, big, commercial fishing boats or anything but you guys can take, like, a small fishing boat, if you’d like.
CALDWELL: Yeah!
EMILY: Yeah, and we’re gonna set up the, like, fishing…
JAKE: — lines.
EMILY: — lines, so it looks like we’re just, like, fishing.
CALDWELL: A little trawler!
MURPH: Okay, cool. So you guys kind of by—
JAKE: Just like you pretend you know how to write, I pretend I know how to set up a fishing line. [laughs]
[Emily laughs; sounds of lapping waves play]
MURPH: So you guys bypass this dock and kinda get away from this barbarian dude, and you guys walk further and further down the bay. Does somebody want to give me a ‘search’ check?
EMILY: Yeah…
CALDWELL: Yeah!
JAKE: Who’s good at it?
MURPH: Is ‘search’ a skill? Why do I keep telling you guys—
EMILY: [crosstalk] Search isn’t…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Would that just be Perception?
EMILY: Perception? Okay.
MURPH: Yeah, go ahead and give me a Perception check.
CALDWELL: Alright.
EMILY: [roll die] I got eighteen!
MURPH: Eighteen, great.
CALDWELL: Great!
JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, we’re able to find some fishing shit!
MURPH: You’re able to find a… You find a boat that has some fishing poles, like, tucked under the seats.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
EMILY: What about some worms and some bait?
MURPH: [laughs] You do not find that. They’re not just gonna leave their worms in their boat.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: I leave a note and some gold. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] In the boat that you’re taking?
CALDWELL: No, in, like… the fishery.
MURPH: Oh, okay. Got it.
CALDWELL: — to say, like, “thank you for letting us borrow your equipment.”
MURPH: Great.
JAKE: He signs his name for some reason, and I cross it off.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh. [laughs]
JAKE: Let’s not let them know.
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] You write a different name.
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Yeah… “Denny.” [laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] “Denny!” [laughs]
CALDWELL: Is this my nickname?
MURPH: Cool. So you guys take off on the boat.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
MURPH: You guys get out into the bay. As you are riding across the bay you can see all the fish swimming up, and it is so easy to fish here that literally big yellowfin tuna and stuff are, like, just, like, jumping into your boat, flapping at you, and smacking you in the face… just jumping all over the place.
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: I think I’m just scootin’ ‘em out! I’m kickin’ ‘em back out.
CALDWELL: No, no, wait! I think we should hold onto them; we could maybe use them to bargain with later on.
JAKE: Or eat.
CALDWELL: Or eat!
[Murph laughs]
EMILY: I think you guys can hold onto them, I’m probably just kickin’ ‘em back out, being like: Git! Git!
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: PawPaw’s just furiously eating a halibut.
[Emily & Jake laugh]
MURPH: Just tearing at one.
EMILY: PawPaw!
CALDWELL: Yeah, I feel like I— how long a journey is this?
MURPH: Not super-long.
CALDWELL: Okay, so I wouldn’t have time to, like, skin a fish, and, like—
MURPH: It’d probably be, like, fifteen minutes.
CALDWELL: I could skin a fish in fifteen minutes!
MURPH: [laughs] Okay.
JAKE: We eatin’ sushi.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Yeah, I prepare sashimi for everyone.
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] Alright, I’ll have that. What’s this!? What’s this halfling food!?
MURPH: [crosstalk] Great. [laughs] Beverly makes some really great sushi that everyone gets super sick from.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Roll for how many bones you swallow.
[Jake & Caldwell laugh]
MURPH: So you guys get to the other side of the bay, and you find this abandoned, dilapidated dock. You see that the wood is soaked through with water damage. You see spots of green moss and fungi…
JAKE: [crosstalk] Your favourite.
MURPH: [crosstalk] — a few jagged planks stick out across the walkway…
EMILY: Can I collect some of that fungi?
MURPH: Sure. You go over, grab some fungi.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: Mhm.
EMILY: Ooh! What kind is it?
MURPH: Let’s see! Let’s roll and see if it’s poisonous.
[all laugh]
MURPH: It is… [rolls die] — safe to eat.
CALDWELL: [chanting] Eat it!
EMILY: Well, I’m not gonna eat it, I’m just gonna put it in the spore library.
CALDWELL: Oh, gotcha.
MURPH: Alright. This is, like, a blue-cap mushroom.
CALDWELL: So, this is, like, a little island?
MURPH: No. So it’s a bay — so it kind of is like a ‘sideways horseshoe’ into the land.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: So the south side of the bay is the village, and north of it is the swamp.
CALDWELL: Mhm. Okay.
MURPH: So it’s this big expanding swamp.
CALDWELL: Gotcha.
MURPH: So, you guys — standing on this dilapidated dock, facing out from the bay — you see this great, expanding swamp, and you see the hanging leaves of, like, the mangrove trees…
JAKE: Ooh.
EMILY: Oooooh!
MURPH: — and the weeping willows make it like impossible to see through. You do notice, though, at, like, the edge of the swamp you see a broken spear and a longsword stuck in the mud.
CALDWELL: Hmm.
EMILY: ‘Broken spear and a longsword stuck in the mud.’ Okay. So presumably that’s some sort of, like, warning, to, like, stay away?
CALDWELL: Or an entrance! [laughs]
JAKE: Or there could be, like, people guarding that area, and they just, like, went to take a pee or something?
CALDWELL: Yeah.
EMILY: Can we do, like, a Perception check to see…?
CALDWELL: That seems wise.
MURPH: Yeah, go ahead! Go ahead to do, like, an Investigation check.
CALDWELL: Murph, while Emily’s doing that—
MURPH: You guys can all roll for Investigation.
EMILY: [rolls die] I got eighteen!
JAKE: Oh, hell yeah!
MURPH: Perfect! There was a fight here. There was clearly a fight here. You see that people were—
JAKE: [rolls die] I got a four, so Hardwon looked around and didn’t see shit. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Yeah, Hardwon doesn’t see shit.
JAKE: Looks fine to me!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Hardwon still thinks that somebody left it as a mark that it’s the entrance.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: But there was definitely a struggle here; you see that somebody was dragged into the swamp.
CALDWELL: Gotcha.
EMILY: Do I see anyone, like, in the trees, or anything like that?
MURPH: No, you do not.
CALDWELL: Do we see maybe any torn neckerchiefs or merit badge sashes? [laughs]
MURPH: You do not here, but you do notice that— when you pick up the longsword, you see that it’s identical to your Green Teen longsword.
CALDWELL: Huh. Guys, this sword is identical to mine!
JAKE: What do you think that means, Beverly?
CALDWELL: [laughs] Hmm… Beverly thinks for a little too long about it.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] A full, silent minute.
EMILY: [laughs] Somebody hasn’t gotten his Critical Thinking Badge yet… [laughs]
CALDWELL: Still working on that one!
EMILY: Okay.
CALDWELL: I think that the Green Teens were here. Before we proceed, I want to ask: when Shae healed us, did that replenish our spell slots and whatnot?
MURPH: Yeah— no.
CALDWELL: Okay, cool. Great.
JAKE: [imitating Caldwell] “Cool, cool, good, good, good, good. And it didn’t do anything for my acne either.” [laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] I feel like it cleared it up a little bit.
[Jake & Emily laugh]
CALDWELL: Lookin’ fresh-faced. Lookin’ good.
MURPH: Alright—
CALDWELL: Hmm… I wonder if I could… I don’t think there would be magic on these bullywugs. I don’t think I could detect an aura on this sword, or anything like that.
MURPH: No.
CALDWELL: Although, could I detect the magic from the other Green Teens?
MURPH: No—
CALDWELL: Okay.
MURPH: The purpose of Detect Magic is to, like, see if something is magical. Like, if you go to a door or something and it’s sealed closed, you could see if there’s a spell holding it closed. It’s not to, like, track someone.
CALDWELL: Okay, we’re goin’ in blind! [laughs]
EMILY: Okay, y’all — I think we’re gotta Stealth in, ‘cuz I’m gettin’ goose pimples. This place does not feel that hospitable.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.
MURPH: [crosstalk] So her Investigation check was really good; you do see someone was dragged in there, and you do see that it is pretty easy to follow the tracks because it’s super-thick muck.
CALDWELL: Alright. Okay.
EMILY: Can we Stealth in a boat?
MURPH: You’re not in the boat.
JAKE: Yeah, we’re walking through the muck now.
EMILY: Oh, wait, we’re walking. We’re walking. Okay.
CALDWELL: Yeah, we’re off the boat.
EMILY: Ooh, we’re in the muck!
CALDWELL: We’re in it!
JAKE: Yeah, so let’s follow the tracks, nice and stealthy.
CALDWELL: Yep, sounds good!
MURPH: Alright, you guys are Stealthing?
CALDWELL: Uh-huh!
MURPH: Everyone go ahead and tell me in what order everyone’s going. Is somebody, like, scouting ahead, or is…?
EMILY: Um… who has the best Stealth?
JAKE: Oh…
CALDWELL: I have Nimbleness! It would probably be me.
EMILY: It would probably be you…
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: [crosstalk] It should say… you have a Stealth skill.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Although, you’re also wearing heavy armour.
MURPH: Yeah, you’re not gonna be great at stealth.
CALDWELL: Hmm… my Stealth is plus-two.
JAKE: Okay, I’m bad.
EMILY: I’m only plus-two.
[beat]
MURPH: No one’s good at Stealth?
JAKE: Oh, it’s under Dex. I’m plus-four.
MURPH: Okay.
CALDWELL: Oh! Okay, yeah!
EMILY: Plus-four — so maybe Hardwon goes first, then I’ll go, and then we’ll keep little Beverly in the back.
CALDWELL: Okay. Yeah.
MURPH: So, are you guys following at enough of a distance that Hardwon’s gonna kinda run into any trouble before anyone else is? Or are you guys close together?
CALDWELL: Yeah. I feel like we should let Hardwon be the scouting party.
MURPH: Alright. So you’re, like, twenty feet ahead.
JAKE: Okay.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: Are you cool with that?
JAKE: Hardwon fears nothing, though he should.
[swamp ambience plays]
MURPH: Cool. So you’re gonna be the primary Stealth roll, because you’re the one that’s kinda scouting ahead. So Hardwon…
[Jake rolls die]
MURPH: [laughs] — starts going after these tracks… [laughs]
JAKE: Oh, fuck.
MURPH: [laughs] That’s a nine. Huh.
EMILY: Ooh…
JAKE: That’s… yeah, that’s… that’s, uh… [laughs]
EMILY: Oh, I should’ve— wait, a swamp wouldn’t count as woods, right? Mask of the Wild wouldn’t have any effect here?
MURPH: Mask of the Wild?
CALDWELL: That’s very cool?
MURPH: Yeah, that counts as woods.
EMILY: — it means in woods it’s easier for me to hide.
MURPH: Sure! Yeah!
JAKE: Oh, shit!
CALDWELL: Oh, yeah.
EMILY: So I should’ve gone first. We’ll know for the future!
CALDWELL: Yep, okay. Hindsight.
MURPH: Okay. [laughs] But for now, Hardwon just is making loud sounds in the muck walking.
[Jake laughs; makes squelching noises]
EMILY: Just, like: [makes squelching noises]
JAKE: [laughs] Just sucking up my boot.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Yeah, Hardwon, like, sneaks forward two steps, then, like, steps on a bird. [laughs; makes cawing noise]
JAKE: That would’ve happened to anybody! [laughs]
MURPH: Hardwon, as you walk ahead, you turn just in time to see a spear being thrown at you.
CALDWELL: [laughs] A spear heading right towards you.
MURPH: [rolls die] And… that is going to be a seventeen to hit? Does that hit you?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Agh!
MURPH: What’s your AC? Sixteen; it does hit you.
[battle music plays]
JAKE: Dammit.
CALDWELL: Uh-oh! Sounds like we’re about to hit that niche!
EMILY: Yeah!
JAKE: Hardwon’s going down.
MURPH: [rolls die] He got hit for seven.
JAKE: Oh, boy.
[Emily whistles]
MURPH: So you get hit with a spear for seven. Everybody go ahead and roll me Initiative!
CALDWELL: Alright!
EMILY: Okay! [rolls die]
MURPH: Actually, wait— there’s two of them. Sorry, the other guy’s going to throw a spear at Hardwon in the surprise round.
CALDWELL: [laughs] Oh, cool!
MURPH: [rolls die] — and he’s gonna hit, too. I’m so sorry, Hardwon.
JAKE: Oh, dude! No!
[Murph rolls die]
EMILY: Ohh!
MURPH: Another six. [laughs]
JAKE: Wait — so that’s twelve total?
MURPH: Twelve total.
JAKE: Oh, boy.
MURPH: Okay, so… [laughs] — everybody roll Initiative. [laughs]
EMILY: [laughs] Hardwon just, like, collapses, like, into…
JAKE: [crosstalk] Don’t worry, guys! I got this! [makes two impact noises]
[all laugh]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Instantly hit by two spears.
MURPH: [crosstalk; laughs] Instantly gets hit with two spears.
CALDWELL: This is such a good turn from Hardwon in Episode One, where he was so confident and cool.
EMILY: [laughs] I know!
JAKE: Right after I got fully-healed by the Druid lady, too…
[Murph laughs
CALDWELL: [rolls die] got a ten!
EMILY: I got eleven!
[Jake rolls die]
MURPH: What’d you get, Hardwon?
JAKE: Eleven, but is that plus… what?
MURPH: Yes, plus your Dex.
JAKE: Uh… four.
MURPH: Dope! So fifteen.
JAKE: Fifteen.
MURPH: Hardwon: you get to respond. [laughs]
JAKE: Woo!
MURPH: [crosstalk] You turn and you see these beady—
EMILY: [crosstalk] Hardwon runs! [laughs]
JAKE: [laughs] Ten-ten sprint to wherever Denny is.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] You can kind of sprint towards where you saw the spears being thrown, and there are two of these bullywugs — these little frogmen who are probably, like, four-feet tall and kind of burly. Kind of, like, the works.
JAKE: Yeah.
EMILY: This is bigger than a Crick bullywug…
CALDWELL: I point to them and say: Those are bullywugs!
[Murph & Emily laugh]
JAKE: Thank you, Beverly.
MURPH: So you can swing on ‘em if you want, or you can do whatever you’d like.
JAKE: Yeah, I’m fuckin’ pissed.
MURPH: Okay. [laughs]
JAKE: Greataxe coming out straight for this dude’s dome; try to split him in half from the head.
[Murph and Emily laugh]
JAKE: And… [rolls die]
MURPH: Oh, yeah! You hit!
JAKE: Fuck yeah.
CALDWELL: Hell yeah, you hit! The dome-crusher!
MURPH: Seventeen.
[Jake rolls die]
CALDWELL: Oh, man.
MURPH: A nine — so you hit for thirteen total?
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: You do fucking cut this dude in half.
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: OHH!
MURPH: You just smash this fucking frog!
JAKE: Yeah!
MURPH: The other one, like, fucking looks so scared!
CALDWELL: Big boy!
MURPH: That is Moonshine; you’re up.
EMILY: Okay, I’d like to cast Entangle, like, with the mangrove roots…
MURPH: There’s only one.
EMILY: Oh, there’s only one left!?
MURPH: — and one is dead. So these guys are not, like, y’know….
EMILY: Oh, sweet!
CALDWELL: This seems like a scouting party, or some sort of exploratory vessel!
MURPH: I think Beverly would be correct in assuming that.
CALDWELL: Yeah!
EMILY: I’m just gonna straight-up try to hit him with my scimitar; just keep it simple.
MURPH: Cool.
JAKE: Nice.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: Moonshine runs up…
EMILY: [rolls die] Uh…
MURPH: That’s a two that you rolled?
EMILY: …that’s gonna be a two… but I am still gonna Halo of Spores him for three, ‘cuz I’m not Symbolic Entity, but…
MURPH: [crosstalk] Oh, do you— okay. You can still do that, even when you’re… got it. Okay. So you shoot some spores at this dude, and he does not like it. He does not like it one bit.
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: Does he sneeze? [laughs]
MURPH: Uh… yes. He sneezes a little bit. Just a little— [soft sneeze sound]
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Beverly, you’re up.
CALDWELL: Okay. Hardwon, what’s your HP?
JAKE: I’m at ten.
MURPH: Looks like half.
CALDWELL: I’m going to kind of run up and latch onto his back.
JAKE: — and I hate when he does this… [laughs]
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Yeah. It’s never happened, but you know that you hate it. I’m going to use Touch Hands.
MURPH: Lay on Hands, you mean?
EMILY: [laughs] “Touch Hands!”
CALDWELL: Lay— no, Touch Hands. [laughs]
MURPH: Touch Hands. You’re just gonna touch him?
JAKE: [laughs] — just wants to high-five.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, my God!
CALDWELL: Yeah, I high-five him and he’s healed.
MURPH: Great. I believe it’s ten health… you heal for twelve.
JAKE: I’m back! Thats full!
EMILY: [crosstalk] Dang! This li’l young’un is powerful! They don’t make young’uns like you where I come from!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Now it is the bullywugs’ turn. He’s gonna take another swing at Beverly. Or— not Beverly; Hardwon.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Wait— no, I’ll save that. Nevermind.
MURPH: [rolls die] This dude frickin’ dinked off your axe; you’re able to swing it back around and block this dude. [laughs] Hardwon’s back in control!
EMILY: [crosstalk] Whoa! Badass!
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] He’s back in shape, yeah. That’s good.
MURPH: — after getting his ass kicked by some frogs!
CALDWELL & EMILY: Uh-huh!
JAKE: Making a lot of noise and taking two spears…
MURPH: Yeah! Hardwon, you’re up.
CALDWELL: I do remain on his back.
JAKE: Hell yeah. Swinging for the dude’s throat! [rolls die]
MURPH: What is that— a fourteen total? Fourteen to hit?
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: That does not hit.
JAKE: Fuck me!
MURPH: This dude— You swing your axe, he blocks it; he has a shield. That takes us to Moonshine!
JAKE: Help me!
EMILY: Alright, Moonshine’s coming with her scimitar again!
MURPH: Do it up.
[Emily rolls die]
CALDWELL: Fourteen?
EMILY: That’s gonna be… eighteen?
MURPH: That’s gonna hit. Eighteen hits.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Ooh!
JAKE: That’s what’s up!
EMILY: [rolls die] Hittin’ him for three.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh…
EMILY: — and then another spore-ific kiss, so that’s six!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: This dude’s fucked-up. He’s on death’s door. He looks pretty hurt. That’s you, Beverly.
CALDWELL: From Hardwon’s shoulders, I ready a javelin.
MURPH: Okay.
CALDWELL: So that’s plus-five to attack. Let me roll…
MURPH: Are you just gonna toss a javelin at him?
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: Okay.
CALDWELL: [rolls die] — actually… well, I already rolled it and it’s an eighteen. [laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay, yeah, you do hit.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Might as well!
CALDWELL: Yeah. So I throw that — is that gonna be a hit?
MURPH: Yes, definitely.
CALDWELL: Alright, that is going to be a d6… [rolls die] — plus-five, that’s eight.
MURPH: Eight, okay. You javelin this dude.
EMILY: — it’s only plus-three.
CALDWELL: Uh… no— oh, yeah. So it’s a six, sorry.
MURPH: Okay, so six. So still, this dude was almost dead.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
MURPH: You see he was, like, coughing from all the toxic spores he inhaled… [laughs]
[Jake & Emily laugh]
MURPH: — just gets fucking javelin-ed through the head; he sticks to the tree behind him— [unintelligible crosstalk]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Oh, that’s awesome!
EMILY: [crosstalk[ Ohh!
CALDWELL: Is he dead?
MURPH: He’s super-dead.
CALDWELL: Okay, um…
MURPH: [crosstalk] Cool. So we’re—
EMILY: [crosstalk] Can I search his body for any interesting fungi?
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, we should do a search.
MURPH: Yes. You search his body. [laughs] He definitely does not have any interesting fungi on him.
EMILY: [unintelligible crosstalk]
JAKE: “— but he has some uninteresting fungi…”
MURPH: He does have— he’s got, like, a little shield.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Nah, I’ve got one already.
MURPH: He’s got a little wooden shield, he’s got his spear, and he also has a burlap sack.
JAKE: Ooh!
EMILY: Let me go through that sack!
CALDWELL: Yeah!
MURPH: You open up the burlap sack…
JAKE: “— hoping it’s mushrooms inside —“
MURPH: — and it is empty.
EMILY: Empty!?
CALDWELL: Uh, can we check the other one?
MURPH: The other guy also has a burlap sack.
CALDWELL: Okay.
EMILY: Why are they empty!? That’s weird!
CALDWELL: I just wanted to see if they had any, like, affiliation sigils — or perhaps, like, a tattoo — or any sort of, like, identifying marks that would give us any information about the larger clan?
MURPH: Nope.
CALDWELL: Okay. [laughs]
JAKE: They’re just bullywugs, man.
MURPH: They’re just frogs. [laughs]
EMILY: Just some frogs!
CALDWELL: Huh!
EMILY: I can’t believe their burlap sacks were empty!
JAKE: What were they going to put, then, in there?
CALDWELL: You know, I think these might be good for a jambalaya! [laughs]
[Murph laughs]
EMILY: Okay, if someone’s gonna talk about jambalaya, I’m gonna make a bonfire and make us some— [unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Are you making a fire right now?
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Let’s not make a fire, let’s focus on the kids!
EMILY: Okay, that’s good; no, you’re right: the young’uns.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
JAKE: The young’uns.
EMILY: No, we need to do the young’uns.
CALDWELL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
EMILY: However, can I rip off one of their legs so I can later make a bullywug jambalaya?
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: [crosstalk] Frog leg soup?
MURPH: Yeah… I guess, like—
EMILY: Let me sniff at it and see if I think it’s, like—
MURPH: They smell so rank.
EMILY: [laughs] Okay.
MURPH: These guys are disgusting.
CALDWELL: Well, sure! You gotta cook ‘em first!
EMILY: I tussle Beverly’s hair and I say: I don’t think this is gonna be the best jambalaya base.
CALDWELL: Aw, darn! I’ll get that Cooking Merit Patch yet! Not today! [laughs]
EMILY: Yeah, you hang around with me, you’re gonna get a lot of patches.
JAKE: Alright, guys…
[all laugh]
JAKE: Alright.
MURPH: [laughs] Hardwon’s: “Focus up! Focus up, everyone!”
EMILY: Okay, let’s get them young’uns!
CALDWELL: Okay. Onward!
JAKE: Can’t be that mad at Beverly, ‘cuz he healed me.
[swamp ambience plays]
MURPH: You travel through the muck; you’re pushing, like, the hanging leaves out of your face. Hardwon and Moonshine: the mud is up past your ankles, and Beverly, you’re like knee-deep in it. [laughs]
EMILY: Oh!
CALDWELL: [laughs] Uh-huh. Can I ride on Hardwon’s back?
MURPH: Yeah! Is that cool with Hardwon?
JAKE: He hates it, but yes, he allows it.
MURPH: [laughs] Okay. He allows it.
EMILY: Oh, now you just trailed muck up Hardwon’s back! [laughs]
CALDWELL: Thank you, sir!
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: So you guys are following the tracks left by the bullywugs — it’s kind of easy; these guys are stupid and they just, like, left these big tracks in a straight line…
JAKE: [crosstalk] Right.
EMILY: Oh, can I go first? I’ve got Mask of the Wild, so I’m using that to, like, lead the group ‘cuz it makes it easier to hide when I’m in the woods.
MURPH: Great, cool. So, yeah; as you guys are traveling, Moonshine’s taking the lead — a little bit more stealthy than Hardwon was… [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: Hardwon is now focused carrying Beverly.
EMILY: I’m like ‘Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment’-level, like, Stealthing.
MURPH: Okay.
CALDWELL: Great. [laughs]
EMILY: [laughs] It’s, like, unnecessary. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Just, like, getting down in the muck, covered in freakin’ swamp-water…
[Emily & Caldwell laugh]
MURPH: So you guys are able to follow these stupid bullywugs’ tracks because they were pretty careless as they went through the mud, but then suddenly things get a little bit more difficult; it looked like they were all walking in a straight line, but now you see that the path kind of diverges.
You see, to the north, a giant puddle — like, a big puddle — followed by, like, a six-foot wall of mud and the tangled roots of, like, a mangrove tree hanging out of it. And you see broken roots and, like, little froggy footprints on the side of it, so you can see that some of them clearly, like, climbed the mangrove tree.
And you see, to the right, a path in the mud where it seems like something big was dragged.
CALDWELL: Hmm…
EMILY: Tell me about this puddle.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk; laughs] “Let me at that puddle!”
MURPH: [crosstalk] What are you doing to the puddle?
EMILY: I would like to get to the edge of the puddle and just, like, look in…
MURPH: Cool.
EMILY: — to try and sense depth or what it’s made of or anything like that.
MURPH: Sure. It’s pretty murky — you’re not gonna be able to tell how deep it is by looking at it — but you can stick your foot in or you can put your hand in or something like that.
EMILY: I’m gonna stick my staff in.
CALDWELL: Oh!
MURPH: You stick your staff in; it is not that deep.
CALDWELL: Okay.
EMILY: Uh-huh.
MURPH: It’s, like, two or three feet.
CALDWELL: I want to inspect the, like… dragging trail to see if I can discern what was dragged.
MURPH: Sure. Go ahead, give me an Investigation check.
CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die] That’s a… nine, plus two.
JAKE: Eleven.
MURPH: Cool, eleven. So you don’t see any, like, frog footprints or anything going this way.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh…
MURPH: You just see whatever was being dragged was so big that it sort of cleaned up behind it, and it’s just this one kind of mass that’s getting dragged.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] So it’s like a—
EMILY: [crosstalk] So do they, like—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Sounds like a big burlap sack full of kids to me!
EMILY: [laughs] I think so!
CALDWELL: [laughs] — or a sled, or something. Yeah, okay—
EMILY: ‘A sled’ is very optimistic. “Maybe the bullywugs just captured them for a sleigh ride!”
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: So I can’t tell if it was a creature, or, like, if it was a sack; I just know something big was dragged this way?
MURPH: That’s whatcha get with a ten.
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Oh!
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Fair enough. Hmm…
EMILY: Okay. Then, I guess, maybe we follow this, right?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Yeah, I say we follow the sleigh.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah, let’s follow it.
JAKE: [crosstalk] — or the bag.
MURPH: Okay. So you guys start going—
EMILY: Wait, what was that wall that they climbed up? There was, like, a muddy wall with mangrove…?
MURPH: There was— so, heading straight ahead, it was to the north; you saw that it was, like, the mangrove tree that was hanging off that six-foot wall with frog footprints going up it — like they climbed it — and then something big was going to the right.
EMILY: Okay.
JAKE: Oh! Maybe I could— I’m a good climber; I could Climb…
EMILY: I could also turn into a giant lizard, in which case I could climb as well.
JAKE: Oh, that’s true, too.
CALDWELL: We should follow the track, but I do want to see Emily turn into a giant lizard…
JAKE: We just have to see what’s over the wall.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
JAKE: We have to… so, like, why don’t we—
EMILY: Oh, well, then maybe we won’t use— if we just have to see what’s over the wall, maybe we just use your Climbing ability.
CALDWELL: Yeah, did you wanna check what’s over the wall before we proceed?
JAKE & EMILY: Yeah.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Cool.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Okay.
JAKE: Okay, watch this!
CALDWELL: Whoa!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: Give me a Climb check.
CALDWELL: Am I still on his back?
[Jake rolls die; all laugh]
JAKE: [laughs] Oh, no!
MURPH: [laughs] He just rolled a two!
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: I was still on his back…
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] Is he just grabbing onto roots and they all just break?
MURPH: [crosstalk] So you guys—
JAKE: [crosstalk] Wait a second, ‘cuz I’ve got a plus-something there! …oh, that’s a six, I think, brother.
MURPH: [laughs] That’s a six!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: So Hardwon very confidently leaps over the puddle, grabs onto the mangrove tree — a branch instantly breaks off and he falls back into the puddle, soaking himself and Beverly.
[Jake & Emily laugh]
CALDWELL: I offer him…
MURPH: Go ahead and give me — both of you guys, give me a Perception check. Actually, all three of you give me a Perception check as you splash into the little puddle.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay.
JAKE: Of course.
[Emily, Jake & Caldwell roll dice]
CALDWELL: I got a…
EMILY: Seventeen!
JAKE: I got an eleven plus… yeah. Just a straight-up eleven.
MURPH: [laughs] Okay.
CALDWELL: [laughs] …why can’t I find it…? Oh, wait! Nineteen.
MURPH: Nineteen!
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: Okay! As you splash down in the puddle with Hardwon…
CALDWELL: Right.
MURPH: — you see, in the mud, a patch: a Cooking Badge.
JAKE: [gasps] Ooh! That’s juicy!
CALDWELL: Ohh… and I’m so tempted by this, because I don’t have that patch…
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: — and, like, my first thought — my first amoral thought — is just to affix it to my sash and claim it as my own.
[Jake laughs again]
CALDWELL: But I think better of it and say: Friends…
EMILY: I see this, ‘cuz we had just talked about it…
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
EMILY: — and I put a hand on Beverly’s shoulder and I say:
CALDWELL: [nervously] Uhh…
EMILY: You’re better’n this, young’un.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: You’re right. Friends… the Green Teens have been this way! This patch… [sighs] — this could’ve been Erlin, Cran, or Derlin.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: One of the three.
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Who are…?
CALDWELL: They’re the only three in our troop that have this patch!
[Emily laughs again]
JAKE: So it was just in the puddle, right? We still don’t know if it was lost from being dragged, or climbed.
EMILY: So how desperate are we to see over this wall, or should we just—
MURPH: It was much closer to the wall than it is to the track to the east.
CALDWELL & EMILY: Ohh!
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] So maybe… can I—
JAKE: [crosstalk] So we gotta get up over this shit.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Okay. So if I turn into a giant lizard, can I shuttle them over?
MURPH: It’s not a hard climb, he just rolled a two.
[all laugh]
MURPH: You don’t need to turn into a lizard.
EMILY: Oh— then maybe I’m gonna try to do it without even turning into— without even Wild Shape-ing.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah!
MURPH: Yeah, go ahead. Everybody just give me Climb checks.
JAKE: Watch this!
[Jake & Emily roll dice]
MURPH: Just beat a ten.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Is that Acrobatics?
EMILY: [crosstalk] Do we add Athletics?
JAKE: [crosstalk] Got it!
MURPH: It’s Athletics.
CALDWELL: Okay.
EMILY: Fifteen!
MURPH: You got it. You…
JAKE: I have—
EMILY: I look down at Hardwon from the top and I just shake my head. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: [rolls die] I got a ten.
MURPH: Cool! Okay.
EMILY: [crosstalk] And I reach out a hand, to be like…
MURPH: Moonshine gets up there easily. Hardwon follows up, head hanging down…
JAKE: [laughs] “— dejected —”
MURPH: — and Beverly follows up easily behind Hardwon.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: [laughs] The only one who did not get up on his first try was Hardwon Surefoot.
EMILY: [crosstalk; laughs] After he said, “Watch this!”
JAKE: [crosstalk] Surefoot.
MURPH: Let it be known that Surefoot is the one who fell.
[Emily laughs]
JAKE: [laughs] That’s… so fucking true about me as a guy.
CALDWELL: Hardwon, the trick is to take it slowly and steadily!
MURPH: So, as you guys climb up, you’re able to pick up the tracks again — bullywugs were clearly here —
CALDWELL: Huh!
MURPH: — and you continue to follow for a bit. What order are you guys walking in? How are you guys proceeding?
EMILY: Me first! Still within Mask of the Wild.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Me last.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah, and we’re hanging back.
MURPH: So you guys are walking forward, following the tracks, and the muck is getting deeper and deeper.
EMILY: Hmm…
JAKE: Shit.
CALDWELL: Huh. Well, I’m back on Hardwon’s shoulders. [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Yeah, okay. You’re back on Hardwon’s shoulders.
MURPH: So you guys…
EMILY: [laughs] You’re like, [imitating Hardwon] “That’s why it affected my climbing… ‘cuz you actually kinda hurt my shoulder before, so that was why I couldn’t climb.” [laughs]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Uh-huh.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: I’ve got my spyglass out and I’m patrolling the area.
MURPH: Okay — spyglass. Go ahead and give me a Perception check.
CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die] …that’s a three…
[Jake & Murph laugh]
JAKE: [laughs] He’s holding the ‘glass the wrong way!
CALDWELL: My spyglass is very muddy. [laughs]
EMILY: Can I do a Knowledge (Nature) about this rising muck?
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Yeah!
MURPH: [crosstalk] Sure.
EMILY: [crosstalk] If I’m like— if I know why the terrain is changing?
MURPH: Sure.
EMILY: [rolls die] Twenty.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Whoa!
JAKE: [crosstalk] Twenty, damn. You’re gonna know everything.
EMILY: [laughs] He gives us a twenty-minute lecture about swamp biology…
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] You taste the muck.
MURPH: [laughs] As you’re walking through this mud, you see, ahead of you, this pool of muddy water and the tracks stop. You think that that might be, like, quicksand.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh! Okay.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay.
MURPH: But you do see tracks up on, like, a hill ahead.
CALDWELL: Without burning my…
EMILY: Is there a way to get around that? Can we skirt that pool?
MURPH: You could take the long way around, but you’ll need to do some Nature checks and stuff to see if you can keep tracking the bullywugs.
JAKE: [unintelligible crosstalk]
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Can we check— I wanna, like, Investigate…
EMILY: Can I— how big is it?
MURPH: It’s about twenty-feet across.
EMILY: Okay.
CALDWELL: Oh.
EMILY: Can I, then, cast Shape Water on it and freeze it? I have a thirty— it says thirty feet.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Oh!
MURPH: Yeah!
CALDWELL: Would we know if this was, like, magical quicksand, or if it’s just normal quicksand?
MURPH: You can try to Detect Magic on it if you’d like… [laughs]
CALDWELL: I don’t know if I want to burn Detect Magic on this puddle. [laughs]
MURPH: Gotta be honest with you: wouldn’t be a great use! [laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.
JAKE: [crosstalk] “It’s just quicksand.” [laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, okay! But it does say ‘you can freeze the water, provided there are no creatures in it.’
CALDWELL: Hmm!
MURPH: Are there creatures in it?
EMILY: Well…
CALDWELL: Should we yell at the puddle? [laughs]
EMILY: Can I stick my staff in and see if there’s…?
CALDWELL: [shouting] Are there any… Anyone in there!?
MURPH: You stick your staff into the muddy water… [rolls die] You do not immediately feel anything.
CALDWELL: Okay.
EMILY: Okay, then I guess I’m gonna cast Shape Water.
CALDWELL: Yeah!
EMILY: It’s only a cantrip, so I’m gonna cast Shape Water and try and freeze it.
MURPH: So Moonshine summons the elements, and you see…
[Caldwell exhales breath]
EMILY: [chanting] Melora! Oh, Melora! Melora!
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] — frost coming off of her hands as she shoots, like, a ray…
EMILY: I play my washboard to summon… [laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] Sure.
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: She strums her washboard…
[Jake & Emily laugh]
MURPH: — in a beautiful, icy tune.
EMILY: Shamanic.
MURPH: You see muddy water freeze, and then a giant fucking snake burst out of it.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: [crosstalk] Ohhh, shit!
JAKE: [crosstalk] Shit!
MURPH: Everybody roll Initiative!
JAKE: Fucking snake, dude!
EMILY: Melora-fucker!
CALDWELL: Not a magic snake, though.
EMILY: [rolls die] That’s gonna be a twenty!
JAKE: [rolls die] Good Lord, I rolled a one.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die]
EMILY: [crosstalk] You’ve gotta swap out for some new dice! [unintelligible crosstalk]
MURPH: [crosstalk] Oh, my goodness.
CALDWELL: I got a twelve. [laughs]
MURPH: Okay.
JAKE: Fucking garbage, man.
MURPH: [rolls die] What’d you get? What’d you get, Moonshine?
CALDWELL: [imitating Moonshine; southern drawl] What you git!?
EMILY: Oh, I got a twenty.
CALDWELL: Ah!
EMILY: I got twenty!
MURPH: Moonshine, you go first.
EMILY: Okay. I would like to cast Thunderwave!
[battle music plays]
MURPH: Okay, go ahead.
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Damn!
EMILY: He does a Constitution saving throw…
MURPH: ‘Kay.
EMILY: — or he takes 2d8 damage and is pushed ten feet.
MURPH: ‘Kay. [rolls die] He… got a nine; that’s probably not gonna do it.
EMILY: Nope.
MURPH: Okay.
EMILY: Okay, uh… 2d8 damage…
MURPH: So how much— 2d8 damage?
EMILY: Yeah.
MURPH: Go ahead and roll.
[Emily rolls die; sighs]
MURPH: One… [laughs]
[Emily rolls die again]
MURPH: Eight. So nine, plus…
EMILY: So nine, and then he gets pushed ten feet.
MURPH: Okay.
EMILY: — and then I’m also gonna… [blows kiss] — spore ‘im.
JAKE: Spore his ass, dude!
CALDWELL: [crosstalk; laughs] Gotta spore ‘im.
MURPH: [crosstalk] Ya shock him, ya spore him…
EMILY: — for three more!
MURPH: Cool.
EMILY: Twelve, bitch! How big is this thing?
MURPH: He’s probably, like, fifteen-feet long?
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Okay.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Oh, shit!
MURPH: [crosstalk] He’s a big-ass— [unintelligible crosstalk] —snake.
JAKE: [crosstalk] Okay— how wide is he? Talk to me about girth; that’s what’s important.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: He’s thick. He’s thick as fuck. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: It’s too thick, honestly.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Is he, like, veiny? All veiny? [laughs]
MURPH: [crosstalk] He’s as thick as your neck all the way around.
JAKE: [crosstalk; laughs] Oh, shit! That’s big!
MURPH: That is going to be you, Bev.
CALDWELL: Okay. Do I know anything about, like, this species of snake or any details and particulars?
MURPH: You can roll me a Nature check.
CALDWELL: Alright, cool. [singing] ♫ Nature check! ♫ [rolls die] ♫ That’s a one! ♫
[all laugh]
JAKE: Great.
EMILY: Dang!
MURPH: You don’t know shit. You did not get your Snake Badge.
CALDWELL: That lizard is missing it’s legs!
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: Alright, um…
MURPH: So, I will say:
CALDWELL: Yeah?
MURPH: You can kind of deduce, like… you guys have already figured out that you guys might sink if you go in this mud, so if you run in to slash this dude…
CALDWELL: [crosstalk] Right, but we froze it!
MURPH: You did not freeze it. It does not work when there’s an animal in there.
CALDWELL: Oh, okay.
MURPH: Yeah, so there was a creature in there.
EMILY: But I push him ten feet. Did that push him out of the water?
MURPH: No, he’s back in it.
EMILY: Okay.
CALDWELL: Okay.
MURPH: It’s twenty-feet long. You can prepare an action that when he snaps at you guys, you swing at him.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh, I got you.
MURPH: You can do that.
CALDWELL: I think I’m going to throw a javelin. I’m gonna launch a javelin from Hardwon’s shoulders again.
JAKE: Nice!
MURPH: Cool, go ahead and throw it.
CALDWELL: Okay. [rolls die] That’s a… uh, that’s a six. Uh… plus-five, so… eleven.
MURPH: Eleven. You throw the javelin, it misses the snake, lands in the mud, and you just see it sink. That shit’s gone.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL & EMILY: No!
CALDWELL: And as a bonus action, I’m gonna cast Shield of Faith. So ‘a shimmering field appears and surrounds a creature of your choice within range, granting it a plus-two bonus to AC for the duration.’ Hardwon, that’s gonna be you.
JAKE: What do I do?
MURPH: You get plus-two AC, so you’re at eighteen Armor Class for now. Cool.
JAKE: Awesome. Gracias, dude.
EMILY: Ooh, yeah!
MURPH: That is going to be the snake’s turn. He is going to snap forward at Beverly, who just threw the javelin at him.
CALDWELL: Ah-ha!
MURPH: [rolls die] And he rolls a fuckin’ one. So he just, like, fuckin’ face plants as Beverly scoots out of the way.
EMILY: [crosstalk] Yeah! [laughs] This snake!
CALDWELL: [laughs] Wait, does his little tongue flick my face? [laughs]
MURPH: Sure, yes. Absolutely.
JAKE: That’s nice.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: In fact, you just like it. He just gives you a nice little lick and you think he’s just being friendly.
CALDWELL: Huh! Gave me a little snake kiss!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: That takes us to Hardwon.
JAKE: What happens since I rolled that one? Do I…
MURPH: You’re last. So now you just go.
JAKE: Oh, I see. Great. [rolls die] Twelve plus four? What is it?
MURPH: Sixteen to hit.
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: No, no, no. You got an eighteen to hit. So yeah, you hit.
JAKE: Nice.
MURPH: Go ahead and roll your damage.
JAKE: [rolls die] That’s a twelve, bitch!
[all cheer]
MURPH: Twelve, baby! Twelve plus four, so sixteen damage. Damn. Yeah, you fuckin’ slash at this dude and—
JAKE: Could I do something with my two little axes?
CALDWELL: Oh!
MURPH: No.
JAKE: Okay.
MURPH: Unless, well, I mean you could’ve made your attack with your throwing axes. They do less damage.
JAKE: Fuck it, nevermind.
CALDWELL: No, no, no.
JAKE: It was big axe! It was big axe.
MURPH: You could twirl them if you’d like to just do something for show.
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Yeah, yeah. That’s what I’ll do.
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] So you slash him with your big axe. He rears back and screeches as you just twirl your axes like they’re drumsticks.
CALDWELL: I’m not gonna be satisfied until we Sephiroth this snake.
EMILY: Yeah.
MURPH: Cool. Okay, that takes us back to Moonshine.
EMILY: Okay. I will now use my cantrip Chill Touch.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: And there’s nothin’ chill about what’s gonna happen.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: ‘Kay.
EMILY: I’m gonna make a ranged spell attack.
MURPH: ‘Kay.
EMILY: Hope it hits. [rolls die] That’s gonna be twenty-one.
MURPH: That super-hits.
EMILY: And now he takes 1d8 necrotic damage. He’s not undead, is he?
MURPH: He’s not undead, he’s just a snake.
EMILY: Alright, well… [rolls die] — he takes three damage.
MURPH: He takes a big three damage!
EMILY: But — may I just say — a ghastly, skeletal hand came out and grabbed him?
MURPH: Oh, he’s spooked. He’s super spooked.
CALDWELL: [laughs] He did not like it.
EMILY: Also, the hand clings to the target until the next turn.
CALDWELL: So the—
EMILY: So it’s clinging to him.
CALDWELL: So a ghastly skeletal hand just kind of lightly slaps him?
MURPH: Yup.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] Okay.
EMILY: Just gives him a wet willy.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: An icy willy.
CALDWELL: [imitating an annoyed victim of a wet willy] “Stop!”
MURPH: That takes us to Bev.
JAKE: Come on, Bev!
CALDWELL: Okay. I feel like I’m just gonna—
EMILY: You’re our only hope, Beverly! [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: Okay! I guess I’m just gonna try and slash at the snake. I’m out of spells.
MURPH: Okay, slash him.
CALDWELL: Let me slash at that snake.
MURPH: Take a swing.
CALDWELL: Alright.
MURPH: Take a swing, baby.
CALDWELL: I’m aiming for his gully.
MURPH: Cool.
CALDWELL: [rolls die] Sixteen, uh…
MURPH: That’s gonna hit automatically.
CALDWELL: Nice, cool!
MURPH: Yeah, roll your d8.
CALDWELL: D8! [rolls die] That’s a seven plus five.
MURPH: Twelve.
CALDWELL: So twelve.
MURPH: He screeches. He’s pissed!
CALDWELL: I did it!
MURPH: He sticks his tongue out at you.
CALDWELL: Guys, I made the snake mad!
[Emily & Jake laugh]
MURPH: That is…h boy, that’s the snake.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh.
JAKE: Snake time.
MURPH: He’s gonna try to bite at… actually, he’ll probably just try to bite Hardwon, because you’re on his back. So he’s not just gonna go for Beverly. [rolls die] That is—
CALDWELL: [laughs] Our plan is backfiring! Our tower of power is drawing unwanted attention!
[Emily laughs]
MURPH: That’s an eighteen to hit. And I believe that’s your Armor Class, so that is gonna hit.
CALDWELL: Wait… oh yeah, shit. Even with a plus-two.
MURPH: Yes. So he swings down and attempts to grab Hardwon.
EMILY: Oy yoi yoi.
JAKE: Good fuckin’ luck.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: [rolls die] And he does seven— [rolls die] He does thirteen damage to Hardwon.
JAKE: Wow.
[Emily laughs]
JAKE: That hurt.
MURPH: — and the target is grappled. So you are restrained.
CALDWELL: Great, okay.
MURPH: So he just wrapped himself around Hardwon.
CALDWELL: Good, good, good, good, good. Well, not good for Hardwon, but—
MURPH: Now it is Hardwon’s turn. Hardwon, you cannot make an attack this round. You can just try to get out of being constricted by this giant snake.
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Cool. Flexing every fucking muscle in my body—
[all laugh]
[Jake rolls die]
MURPH: [laughs] He rolled a one!
[all laugh]
MURPH: Hardwon—
JAKE: Every time I fail, I say, “Watch this.”
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: I feel like Hardwon—
JAKE: Watch this!
CALDWELL: Murph, can you roll to see how much Hardwon shits himself?
EMILY: Wait, was that the right dice?
MURPH: Yeah, he rolled a one. D20.
EMILY: Oh, I was thinking a different dice.
MURPH: He yells, “Watch this!” And then just meekly goes: [groaning] “Unh!”
[all laugh]
MURPH: — and you hear a little fart let out as he tries to get out. [laughs]
[all laugh]
MURPH: That’s you, Moonshine.
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Just a small toot.
EMILY: Okay, I’m just gonna make an attack.
MURPH: Cool.
EMILY: That’s all I can do. What’s your hit points at?
JAKE: I’m at nine.
EMILY: Oh.
CALDWELL: Ooh!
JAKE: But I have that potion that I could—
EMILY: Okay.
MURPH: You have a potion and you have Second Wind.
EMILY: Okay, I’m saving a first-level Cure Wounds for you, but I don’t know if I’m gonna use it quite yet.
JAKE: ‘Preciate it. And save everything you have, I’m gonna need it all.
CALDWELL: [imitating Hardwon] “Preesh!”
EMILY: I’m gonna try to get rid of this. So I’m gonna try and decapitate him with my scimitar.
MURPH: [laughs] Sure, go ahead.
CALDWELL: Very good.
EMILY: [rolls die] Fourteen.
MURPH: That hits.
EMILY: [rolls die] Six.
MURPH: Cool.
EMILY: And then… [blows kiss] — three more spores.
MURPH: Oh, wow. Okay. He’s pretty fucked up.
EMILY: Yeah, bitch!
CALDWELL: Back to Bev?
MURPH: Snake is upset. It is Bev’s turn.
CALDWELL: Alright, so—
EMILY: — but I didn’t decapitate him.
CALDWELL: Am I also constricted or am I, like, kind of… I imagine I’m—
MURPH: You’re out. You were able to jump off Hardwon as the snake came in.
CALDWELL: So what I’m gonna do: I’m gonna draw my sword, and I’m going to run along the spine of the snake. Kind of spiral up along the constriction.
MURPH: Okay.
JAKE: Aladdin-style.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: One-hundred percent Aladdin-style. And I guess I’m just gonna try and stab the snake.
MURPH: Cool.
CALDWELL: Wherever I can get a stab in.
MURPH: Yeah, go ahead and roll for Aladdin-style.
CALDWELL: Alright. [laughs]
[Emily & Jake laugh]
CALDWELL: I scream: Oppa Aladdin-style! — and no one gets it or laughs.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: Alright. [rolls die]
JAKE: — as I am fucking about to die.
MURPH: Hardwon farts again.
CALDWELL: Oh no.
MURPH: What’d you get?
CALDWELL: It’s a four.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Um, what’s my… shit.
[Emily & Jake laugh]
CALDWELL: It’s plus Strength, so it’s a nine.
MURPH: Nine, okay. [laughs] You run up and just slip off.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Hardwon just knows that Beverly could’ve saved him if he had just swung his goddamn sword.
CALDWELL: No!
MURPH: But instead he ran up and he yelled,”Oppa Aladdin-style!”, ran up and slipped off and he just farted. Shit yourself a little bit.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: I definitely fart as well, but not as much.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: I do a lighter fart. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: Moonshine is just, like: “Oh, my God,” trying to keep up with you fucking idiots.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: Okay, so this—
CALDWELL: Do I fall into the quicksand?
MURPH: No, no, no, no. You’re okay.
CALDWELL: Okay. [laughs]
MURPH: That was just for flavor. That was just for flavor.
EMILY: He’s beached. He’s beached.
CALDWELL: Uh-huh. I drown.
MUPRH: Okay, this dude is going to just fuckin’ squeeze Hardwon again.
EMILY: Oh!
JAKE: No!
MURPH: [rolls die] Okay, he doesn’t manage to, like—
CALDWELL: Nice!
MURPH: He’s squeezing and you’re fucking flexing your muscles so hard.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: This is a contest of will.
MURPH: So hard as you fight back. That is gonna be Moonshine again.
CALDWELL: Mhm.
EMILY: Okay. Moonshine’s gonna attempt to decapitate him again.
MURPH: [laughs] Everyone’s trying to decapitate him.
[Jake laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] Uh-huh.
JAKE: Get a snake head! Get a snake head!
EMILY: [laughs] I look in the snake’s eyes, and be like: You know what we do with snakes down at The Crick? We turn ‘em into stew.
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: And then she raises her scimitar! And… [rolls die; laughs]
MURPH: [laughs] She rolls a three!
CALDWELL: A lot of threes!
JAKE: Damn!
MURPH: You guys have missed so many times.
EMILY: And she… and she—
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: — she loses her grip of her scimitar as she raises it over her head and doesn’t do anything.
MURPH: Oh, I forgot, we—
EMILY: Oh, but I do blow spores! I still blow spores.
MURPH: You blow spores, okay.
EMILY: For three more damage.
MURPH: Okay, this dude’s actually looking real fucked up.
CALDWELL: Alright.
MURPH: Hardwon, you get to try to get out.
JAKE: Oh, yeah.
MURPH: You can roll another Strength check.
JAKE: [labored] Watch this. [rolls die]
[Caldwell & Emily laugh]
MURPH: Seventeen!
JAKE: Seventeen!
CALDWELL: Alright!
EMILY: Woo!
MURPH: Burst out of the snake.
JAKE: Boom, baby!
MURPH: Hardwon escapes. That’s Bev.
CALDWELL: Huh. I guess I will also try— you know what? I’m not gonna try to decapitate it. I’m just gonna try to get as close to this snake as I can and swipe. I do want to cut it in half. [laughs]
MURPH: Okay.
JAKE: Dope.
MURPH: You guys are getting fancy for…
CALDWELL: Alright. [laughs]
EMILY: I know, we all turn into savages once we start—
JAKE: [crosstalk] People get real fucked up in this thing.
MURPH: It’s all for flavor, it doesn’t really matter. It’s just really funny to just be like: “I’m gonna cut it in half!” when Hardwon’s, like, dead.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Hardwon’s just like: “My arm is broken.”
[Emily & Jake laugh]
CALDWELL: I scream: This is for the Green Teens! [rolls die] It’s a six!
[Murph laughs]
EMILY: [laughs] We need to stop—
CALDWELL: Plus-five, so eleven.
MURPH: Eleven. Does that hit? That does not hit.
CALDWELL: Alright.
JAKE: Damn.
MURPH: You just barely miss the snake.
EMILY: We need to stop making fancy declarations.
CALDWELL: Yeah, we keep aiming for the bleachers and it’s not working for us.
MURPH: The snake is gonna try to bite Hardwon now that he got out. [rolls die]
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: Ooh!
MURPH: Oh God, he hits.
[Jake gasps]
CALDWELL: Ooh!
MURPH: [rolls die] One… [rolls die]
CALDWELL: How many HP does Hardwon have?
MURPH: Hardwon, you take thirteen damage.
JAKE: Does that mean I’m dead?
MURPH: You’re knocked out.
CALDWELL: Oh, shit.
JAKE: Wow.
MURPH: Hardwon goes down in the mud.
EMILY: Oh, shit!
JAKE: Shit.
CALDWELL: Could we, like, administer a potion to him?
MURPH: On your turn, sure.
EMILY: I could also heal him.
CALDWELL: Okay.
EMILY: But I kind of want to—
JAKE: Just kill the snake; heal me afterwards!
EMILY: — the snake is close to death, yeah.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: Okay, Moonshine.
EMILY: Alright. I say, once again: You know what we do with snakes down at The Crick?
[Caldwell & Jake laugh]
EMILY: We chase ‘em out of our buckets.
CALDWELL: Every—[laughs]
EMILY: That we go toilet in. Okay.
CALDWELL: Moonshine, snakes don’t have ears!
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: He can’t hear you! [laughs]
EMILY: But maybe he can read my lips. [rolls die]
[Caldwell laughs]
EMILY: And then I hit him for seventeen!
MURPH: That hits! That hits.
EMILY: Yes, bitch!
CALDWELL: Okay.
JAKE: Just fuckin’ kill him!
EMILY: And then I go… [rolls die] — two, plus-two. Four.
MURPH: Four, okay.
CALDWELL: Alright.
EMILY: — and then I blow spores for three more.
MURPH: Okay. He’s super, super hurt.
EMILY: He’s not dead yet? Motherfucker!
MURPH: He’s not dead yet, but he’s super hurt.
CALDWELL: Can you just constantly blow spores?
EMILY: Yeah.
MURPH: She gets to every turn.
CALDWELL: That’s great! Oh, man.
EMILY: It’s my reaction.
JAKE: That’s awesome.
CALDWELL: Back to Hardwon or Beverly?
MURPH: Beverly, go ahead.
JAKE: I’m knocked down.
MURPH: [laughs] Hardwon’s down, dude.
CALDWELL: Alright.
EMILY: I’m just, like, in this—
MURPH: Although you will have to roll Death saving throws to see how you’re recovering.
JAKE: Oh, shit.
EMILY: I’m just in this snake’s face blowing spores at him while he is surrounding Hardwon.
CALDWELL: Moonshine’s got the snake. I’m gonna run over to Hardwon and cradle his enormous head in my hands— [laughs] — and, I guess, try and administer this potion to him.
MURPH: Cool. 2d4 plus two HP to our friend Hardwon.
CALDWELL: 2d4, okay. [rolls die]
MURPH: Four!
CALDWELL: Four!
MURPH: Alright, and keep rolling.
EMILY: Oh, she gave us really good potions.
CALDWELL: [rolls die] six…
MURPH: Six, plus two. Eight. Okay, so you come back to life with eight HP.
CALDWELL: Okay. Back up!
JAKE: [laughs] Alright! Maybe I’ll do my health potion on myself now.
MURPH: It is not your turn. [laughs]
JAKE: Of course.
MURPH: It is the snake’s turn. And the snake—
CALDWELL: I say: Can you stand?
MURPH: The snake just bites Hardwon.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: What!?
JAKE: Why did you wake me up for this?
EMILY: It feels like he’s like got something for you.
MURPH: [rolls die] He actually misses Hardwon.
JAKE: Damn right!
EMILY: Yeah!
MURPH: Hardwon pops back up to life, instantly combat rolls out of the way.
[all laugh]
MURPH: After yelling, “Watch this!”
[Caldwell & Jake laugh]
MURPH: Now it is Hardwon’s turn.
CALDWELL: Great.
JAKE: Sweet. Hope I kill this piece of shit. [rolls die]
MURPH: Dope, that’s gonna hit.
CALDWELL: Oh!
EMILY: Yeah!
MURPH: Fourteen, roll your damage.
[Jake rolls die]
MURPH: You do twelve damage.
JAKE: Twelve, okay.
MURPH: Okay, tell me how you kill this thing. ‘Cuz it is dead.
JAKE: Hell yeah!
CALDWELL: Yeah!
EMILY: Oh, my goodness.
CALDWELL: [laughs] What a glory hog.
JAKE: Hardwon— [laughs] The slow stride comes back. Greataxe over the head, I go straight between his eyes…. and I say… What was it? Oppa snake-style?
[all laugh]
EMILY: Oppa Aladdin-style.
CALDWELL: Oppa Aladdin-style.
JAKE: Oppa Aladdin-style. Oppa Aladdin-style!
[all laugh]
EMILY: Hardwon doesn’t even know what it means, he just thinks it sounded cool.
CALDWELL: [laughs] What happens?
JAKE: [laughs] He’s gonna tattoo that afterwards.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: Do he split that snake?
MURPH: Oh, he splits that snake right in half.
CALDWELL: Yes!
JAKE: Right through his skull.
EMILY: Oh!
MURPH: Aladdin-style, whatever the fuck that means.
[all laugh]
EMILY: Moonshine immediately goes over and starts skinning some of the scales off so she can make a cute bandana. [laughs]
CALDWELL: Ooh!
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: Great. So as you guys—we’re gonna end this session with Oppa Aladdin-style; everyone covered in muck and snake guts, as Moonshine just starts digging into this giant snake.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: [laughs] I would like to—
JAKE: [laughs] No, this is for your jambalaya. Don’t you already have a bullywug leg?
CALDWELL: Yeah.
EMILY: Ooh!
JAKE: Now you have a snake’s head.
CALDWELL: Yummy, yummy.
EMILY: Could I sniff it? Would this make a good jambalaya?
CALDWELL: Little snake meat.
MURPH: Oh, my God, no. They’re all swamp creatures. It would make terrible jambalaya.
CALDWELL: Well, you add a little spice to it.
EMILY: Okay.
MURPH: Okay, here. I’ll roll to see… [laughs] — if this will be a good jambalaya. I tell you what: if it’s a higher than a fifteen it will be delicious. [rolls die]
[all laugh]
MURPH: It’s a nine.
CALDWELL: It’s a nine. It’s gonna be edible!
MURPH: It’s fine. That’s all.
[all laugh]
JAKE: The jambalaya’s possible—
MURPH: And that’s gonna be, okay—
EMILY: Okay, we’re making a jambalaya!
MURPH: You guys are gonna make a jambalaya. Great.
CALDWELL: Soup is on! I’d like to take one of the snake’s teeth…?
MURPH: Sure, you can write it down.
CALDWELL: Alright, cool.
MURPH: Snake tooth.
CALDWELL: Yeah.
MURPH: Snake fang.
EMILY: Uh, can I go through its guts and see if it was pregnant? [laughs]
[Caldwell laughs]
JAKE: Oh, shit! We should go through its guts and see if ate any of the—
CALDWELL: Oh yeah, that’s a good point.
EMILY: Oh!
CALDWELL: Are there any lumps in there?
MURPH: You go through its guts and it does not have any halfling children in it, no.
CALDWELL: Thank God.
EMILY: What about its own children?
MURPH: It did not eat it’s own snakes, no.
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: Was it a male or a female snake? [laughs]
EMILY: Oh, right, a snake wouldn’t be pregnant.
JAKE: Yeah, did it have a giant snake pussy?
MURPH: It had a huge snake pussy.
[all laugh]
CALDWELL: I just… I mark that down. [laughs]
MURPH: Great, cool.
[Jake laughs]
EMILY: Is it’s clit forked?
MURPH: Yeah, you have a—
EMILY: Is it’s clitoris forked like a snake’s tongue?
MURPH: Yeah, yup. That’s exactly what it is.
[all laugh]
MURPH: It’s a giant forked snake pussy. Go ahead and mark down snake pussy. You guys have a snake pussy.
EMILY: I’m just taking the forked clit.
MURPH: Yeah, great.
CALDWELL: I think by identifying—
MURPH: That’s disgusting.
CALDWELL: —the snake pussy, I do get my—
JAKE: Right into the jambalaya pot. [laughs]
[Emily laughs]
CALDWELL: —I do get my Snake Identification Badge.
MURPH: Alright.
EMILY: Whoever gets the forked clitoris in their bowl has good luck for a year!
MURPH: Oh, my God!
JAKE: Oh, God, I have it.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Okay, guys, please rate the podcast, because this is gold.
[all laugh]
MURPH: Let’s be honest. Give us that good rating. Follow us on Twitter: @JakeHurwitz, @caldy, @eaxford, and @chmurph.
CALDWELL: Yeah, that’s you!
MURPH: Anything else, guys?
CALDWELL: Umm, oh! If you want to send us shit for this or 8-Bit Book Club, you could do it at 1920 Hillhurst Avenue #222. Los Feliz, California, 90027.
EMILY: Yeah.
MURPH: Yeah, baby.
JAKE: Yeah.
MURPH: Anybody got anything else to plug? Listen to If I Were You.
JAKE: If I Were You! Yeah, baby!
MURPH: Listen to If I Were You with Jake and Amir.
EMILY: Netflix’s The Fall. [laughs]
[Jake laughs]
MURPH: Watch Netflix’s The Fall. We all really like it, it’s good.
CALDWELL: Yeah! Crown’s good too.
MURPH: Watch Drawfee on YouTube.
CALDWELL: Yeah!
MURPH: And buy me and Emily’s book! Buy our book! Buy my book! [claps]
EMILY: [crosstalk] Buy our book! Buy our book! It’s just as good as The Fall.
[Caldwell laughs]
MURPH: It’s called ‘HEY, U UP?: How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact’. A satirical relationship-advice book, coming out February 13th. So please check that out, and we’ll catch you guys next time. May the Baba Yaga not take you this night, and may Bahamut keep you.
CALDWELL: Farewell!
JAKE: Peace.
[Transcribed by Redditors siilhouette, hi_sweaty & Zyoanz.]
Not Another D&D Transcript Page 